Amid growing public outcry for more stringent NERF control legislation, the NERF Rifle Association affirmed its staunch opposition to Mom’s “NO GUNS AT THE TABLE” policy.
“The children in this household have a constitutional right to protect themselves, not only in spite of this tyrannical matriarchy, but from it,” said Bastard Garbage, NERF Rifle Association President.
NERF control advocates claim last week’s dinnertime incident could have been prevented by the “NO GUNS AT THE TABLE” policy or other legislation such as naughty child watchlists, limited access to NERF assault ammo, or increased NERF acquisition wait periods.
“The shadowy parental administration has attempted to put watchlists in place to prevent NERF ownership. We don’t want bad guys to have guns either, but we deserve to know what magical process gets a choreabiding- citizen onto ‘Santa’s Naughty List,’” said Garbage manically while casually spinning the revolver on his NERF N-Strike Maverick. “The problem isn’t too many NERF guns; the problem is we don’t have enough NERF guns.”
Mom contends that arming the entire family would be untenable, especially considering the most vulnerable, Cuddles, the family cat, doesn’t have opposable thumbs. Since last week’s incident, Cuddles has cowered under the bed, fearing a repeat scenario. “The cat should be less afraid of NERF guns and more afraid of a house without NERF guns,” said Garbage before licking the bottom of a Fun Dip pouch.
The NERF Rifle Association is unwilling to hear even the most sensible requests, such as limiting household NERF ammo to suction cup bullets. “When has a household rule prevented a troublemaker from misbehaving? Never,” said Garbage, rapidly squeezing off three rounds into his mother’s new vase.
Neighborhood parents have expressed concern over the Association’s potential conflicts of interest, as NERF sales have skyrocketed since Garbage began advocating for increased firepower.
“These kids just want to feel safe. I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me feel safer than a NERF Modulus Tri-Strike 3000. Check this out,” he said, unleashing a hail of foam ammo on his younger sister. “See, if she were armed, she could defend herself. Guns aren’t the problem. We need to enforce existing timeout policies to correct poor behavior,” said Garbage.
“Bastard! You’re supposed to be in your room. You’re grounded!” shouted Garbage’s mother.
“They’ll take my guns when they pry them from my cold, sticky hands,” said Garbage as he added another week onto his grounding sentence.
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About the Author
Joel Ryan is not a stork; he just pretends to be one on the Internet, creating absurd content as The Glad Stork about parenting, marriage, cubicle life, rap music, and more. In real life, he is a husband, father, cubicle dweller, writer, designer, photographer, humorist, children’s book author, illustrator, and idiot. He can be found on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and thegladstork.com.