Jesus Christ Quits Twitter

By Michelle Poston Combs of Rubber Shoes In Hell

After gaining nearly a billion followers, Jesus Christ announced the deletion of His verified Twitter account that He created soon after His return to earth 4 months ago. He created His Twitter account after becoming disillusioned with Facebook and Instagram.

“When I joined Twitter, My biggest worry was that My handle wouldn’t be clever enough.”

@HeyZeusOG has since learned that Twitter can be a vicious place, even for the Son of God.

Jesus says, “I’ve actually been crucified and that was less painful than the way I’ve been treated on social media. Particularly, Twitter. I am going to step away. I just don’t need this negativity in my life right now.

“One person fat shamed Me by pointing out I lost the six pack I had when I was on the cross. Then, they said I’m eating too many Eucharists. The Eucharist is the body of Christ. That doesn’t even make sense. Why would I eat myself? Also, my middle name isn’t Harold.”

Jesus Christ turned away from modern technology and back to His roots. He can now be found in Appalachia, building rustic furniture and performing the occasional miracle, such as resurrections, turning water into small-batch craft wine, and walking on water.

Quality furniture and miracles don’t satisfy some people on social media. Even the King of Kings gets judged, ridiculed, and bizarrely threatened.

The following is a sampling of the tweets that cast Jesus from Twitter:

LOL @HeyZeusOG, my neighbor had your “water to wine” and he says to keep your day job. #WineFraud

What do you call @HeyZeusOG masturbating? Jesus Fucking Christ. #Funny

It’s awesome that @HeyZeusOG can walk on water, but why isn’t he doing anything about depression in dolphins? #JCHatesDolphins

How does @HeyZeusOG have ANY credibility? He’s been gone for millennia. Do we KNOW what happened to Mary Magdalene? #WeDeserveAnswers

Is it just me, or does @HeyZeusOG always look like he is waiting for someone to smack the smug off his face? #SomeonePleasePunchThisAsshole

Maybe, if @HeyZeusOG concentrated on eliminating threats instead of bringing people back, we’d be safe #AreYouResurrectingTheNextHitler?

I mean, I guess it’s nice that he’s back and all, but tbh, I find @HeyZeusOG kind of meh #CouldHaveHadAV8

He’s just rubbing it in our face. He’s destroying Christianity. Fuck @HeyZeusOG #MakeChristianityWhiteAgain

You know that sooner or later @HeyZeusOG is gonna end up on Dancing With The Stars #SoonToBeHasBeen

I mean this in the nicest possible way @HeyZeusOG, but either get a pedicure or stop wearing sandals. #GnarlyToes

I would say “kill it with fire” but your daddy would just bring you back again, wouldn’t he, @HeyZeusOG? #Pussy

#Fakenews did a job on Pontius Pilate. I’m not saying @HeyZeusOG deserved to be crucified, but you know he’s hiding something.

I feel sorry for @HeyZeusOG. He thinks he’s still relevant. LOL. #ShouldHaveStayedOnTheCross

I feel like @HeyZeusOG’s loaves and fish miracle is insensitive to #vegans. #FishAreOurFriendsNotFood

I was at a party with @HeyZeusOG once and he double dipped the guacamole. #NastyMotherfucker

Poor @HeyZeusOG didn’t get the attention he wanted and now he’s hiding. #TheOriginalSnowflake

I can’t get birth control through my insurance, but you can bet your ass that stigmata gets covered. Privilege much, @HeyZeusOG? #JCisThePatriarchy

Jesus Christ has decided that instead of Twitter, He’s going to clean up and organize His Pinterest board.

“Right now, My Pinterest board is nothing but different banana nut recipes and memes with Norman Reedus in them,” says Jesus.

He also wants to reassure everyone that he is not leaving earth again, just most of social media, and would like to remind everyone that he is now taking orders for Adirondack chairs.

A version of this post was first published on Rubber Shoes In Hell


About the Author

Michelle Poston Combs writes humorous and serious observations on life, menopause, anxiety, and marriage on her site, Rubber Shoes In Hell. She lives in Ohio with her husband and youngest son. She stands at the precipice of empty nest syndrome, which she finds both terrifying and exhilarating. Michelle programs computers to pay the bills. She counters this soul sucking endeavor by contributing to Jen Mann’s anthology I Still Just Want To Pee Alone, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy/The Mid, Better After 50, BLUNTmoms, and Listen To Your Mother.