If you like to watch children cry because you asked them to work in partners, teaching middle school is for you!
If you enjoy the scent of a rotting onion marinated in Axe Body Spray, teaching middle school is for you!
If you don’t mind mediating arguments that mostly take place over Snapchat, teaching middle school is for you!
If you like students telling you they don’t need to do homework because their brother went to Cornell, teaching middle school is for you!
If you are adept at avoiding being captured in a TikTok while on yard duty, teaching middle school is for you!
If you like the dulcet tones of a Hydroflask slamming to the ground as you’re giving instruction, teaching middle school is for you!
If you like making children cry because you’re both wearing the same shirt from Target, teaching middle school is for you!
If you like finding yourself Googling things like, “And I oop!” teaching middle school is for you!
If you like 12-year-olds offering their unsolicited advice about how you parent your dog, teaching middle school is for you!
If you like being asked if you know what the Illuminati is every week, teaching middle school is for you!
If you don’t mind being called a bitch in a low mutter, directly to your face, and screamed during a dramatic exit within the same 42 minute class period, teaching middle school is for you!
If you enjoy questioning your sanity because you’re sure you hear the entire class emitting a low hum but everyone says it never happened, teaching middle school is for you!
If you like making children cry by suggesting they get some water to calm their hiccups, teaching middle school is for you!
If you can hold your tongue about his white supremacy when kids tell you how great Pewdiepie is, teaching middle school is for you!
If you enjoy learning that a child is tardy because “they really had to take a shit but it wouldn’t come out before the bell rang,” teaching middle school is for you!
If you like repeatedly telling students to not use class time to bid on cans of unicorn meat on eBay, teaching middle school is for you!
If you enjoy saying things like, “Maybe you should take off the long gloves you’ve attached press-on nails to so you can hold a pencil,” teaching middle school is for you!
If you enjoy confiscating beaded “I EAT ASS” bracelets, teaching middle school is for you!
If you like being embarrassed every time you have to tell students to look at page 69 (NOICE!), teaching middle school is for you!
If you have fun telling teens to stop punching one another in the genitals and reminding them that they get “just one penis in this life,” teaching middle school is for you!
If you’re not freaked out by discovering that the makeup bag left under a desk contains a venomous snake a student brought to show her friends, teaching middle school is for you!
If you enjoy making kids cry because you told them to watch their language while repeatedly thinking, “What the fuck is your fucking problem?” teaching middle school is for you!
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About the Author
Amy Estes is a queer comedian and writer living in Northern California, where she spends her free time obsessing over her dogs, watching her murder stories, and drinking iced coffee, preferably with her wife by her side. Her work has appeared online at McSweeney’s, Belladonna Comedy, Slackjaw Humor, & Pulp Magazine. She regularly performs stand-up all over Sacramento, the San Francisco Bay Area, & for the middle-schoolers she teaches during the day. You can see her on stage and read more of her writing by checking out her website at amysgotjokes.com or following her on Twitter and Instagram @amysgotjokes.