By Erin Nickels

I’ve known you since you took your very first breath, since you couldn’t open your eyes or smile yet. I made you with my body, and you are my greatest achievement in this life, no matter what else comes to be during my short existence on this planet.

But if you put a Tide Pod in your mouth, I will straight up kick your ass. I’m serious AF.

I’ve taught you how to read, how to multiply, and how to wipe your heinie. I’ve sung you to sleep when you were scared more times than I can count, and I’ll sing you to sleep when you’re forty years old of you want me to. I’ll always be your mommy, and I adore you.

But I swear to God, if I find out you put poison in your mouth for no good reason, I will slap you right back into yesterday so you can make a better decision.

I remember your first steps, your first bus ride to school, and your first fever. I remember when you were nervous to get braces, when you grew out of your favorite shoes, and when you thought the Amazon delivery box was better than the gift I bought you that arrived inside it. We played “airplane box” all day long.

So you better remember that the first time I told you that cleaners were poison when you were two should be enough, and if you put a cleaner in your mouth, I’m gonna clean your ass of all of its skin. Don’t fuck around. Mommy didn’t raise a moron, so don’t go out into the world doing idiot shit and expect to get away with it.

Someday you’re going to be a parent, as you’re going to be filled with this overwhelming love that I’ve been consumed with every day for the last thirteen years, and when that time comes, you will understand so much more about me, and I you. I look forward to that time in our lives, but take it slow and stay with me a while so I can soak in all of the wonderful things that make you who you are.

And don’t you forget for one goddamned second that I turned you into a person when you were nothing more than a bundle of cells. I am your creator, and you will not defy me, because I will rain down on your life with the hellfire of a thousand suns if I find you with a Tide Pod in your fucking mouth. Don’t forget that shit.

I love you, always and forever.

Sincerely,

Mom

P.S. I know all of your friends’ parents, and if they pull that idiot shit and try to eat a Tide Pod I’ll bust their asses too. Don’t you doubt me. Their parents will thank me when I save them the emergency room copay.

image credit: Mike Mozart / Flickr 

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About the Author

Erin Nickels is a happily married mother of three and a lifelong native of Long Island, New York. She attended Stony Brook University, and later reported for a local newspaper in the early 2000s. More recently she has provided her services independently in the form of satirical facebook posts, extensive shopping lists, long winded emails, and humorous memes for her coworkers. Erin is currently employed in the Fine Arts Department of a large public school. Her writing has been featured as a “Five Star Blog” on ElanMorgan.com, and as a first place winner of the 2017 Writer’s Games with her team The Sneaky Little Scribes.