By Missy Hunter of Sarcastic Shorty
By now, we are all familiar with the buy/sell groups on social media where people post new or used items for sale, yes? Who hasn’t gotten some smashing deals on “EUC, excellent used condition” or “NWT, new with tags” articles? A small majority of the posts are of people “ISO, in search of” a particular object for sale. I can’t tell you how many times people post about an item in need and others respond, ready to sell said item. Posting ISO seems so easy! As they say, “It never hurts to ask.”
So, here we are. There is a growing list of treasures that I am ISO. I’m sharing the top 10 most elusive products here in case anyone has said items. I’ll reward payment in any amount to gain possession of even one of those cited on this list. Here we go: eyes closed, and fingers crossed.
In serious search of:
-The 4,168,742 socks missing from the dryer.
The missing socks in question don’t have to match any of those that I currently own. I am tired of having an odd number of socks laying around, so any will do. Anyone up for organizing an orphan sock swap?
-Every recyclable water bottle my kids left somewhere.
Prefer the empty, dry, and clean version. For some reason, the lightly rinsed, spoiled milk kind doesn’t sit well in our house.
-A pure-bred Labrador Retriever that doesn’t shed.
I have recently retired my business of knitting 100% Lab hair sweaters. Thus, I no longer need pounds of errant hair on a daily basis. Yet I still love the Lab personality. Please note: I am not interested in any Lab cross-breeds such as a Bassador, Borador or Boxador.
-Daily sex using my then 25-year-old body and sex drive.
No bladder infections, please. Enough said.
-A fulfilling, local, flexible-hours, health-care-providing, okay, high-paying job that I can’t live without.
Motherhood doesn’t pay a lot of Benjamins.
-Self-painting toenails.
Favor the variety with inappropriately named colors spanning the rainbow.
-GPS-trackable poop bags.
ISO deluxe model. Package contents should include the ability to locate your used poop bag in any terrain. This specific model also allows for identifying – ahem, shaming – others who have left their poop bags behind. The deluxe++ model should include self-addressed, stamped envelopes for poop return. Many thanks!
-The full-length magic mirror, image-morphing edition.
Past styles have included settings for tall, Barbie-proportioned and younger-self. Reserve the right to try the magic mirror before sale.
-A portable caffeine IV; will pay extra for expedited shipping.
Portability should come in the form of a backpack. (Think of the Camelback water pack.) This version contains the ability to heat/brew coffee through a phone app. ISO the painless IV attachment as well.
-The recently released, remote control muzzle for tactless sports parents.
Crazy parents are difficult to predict. So, prefer one-size-fits-all muzzle. Will pay double for the anti-sweat variety.
Please contact me if you have any of these items. I am willing to travel throughout the US at any hour of the day. I appreciate your immediate response.
***********
About the Author
Missy Hunter: At a cocktail party, she is like a lot of other women. She places the name tag on her chest with “Hello my name is” and any number of labels complete the sentence. Missy is a daughter, wife, mom, loyal friend, sassy lady, book lover, part-time athlete, marketer, and writer. Missy is the voice behind https://sarcasticshorty.com/. Connect with her at Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.