If Bumper Stickers Were Brutally Honest

Here's just a taste of what our bumper stickers would say if they were brutally honest.

As my husband and I were driving down the road the other day, we saw a peculiar bumper sticker on the back of a guy’s truck that read, “I ♥ My Wife.” While that’s nice and all, we found it a bizarre message for a bumper sticker and began joking that there must be some subtext there we missed that really spices the message up. Something like, “I ♥ My Wife (except when she speaks her dumb whore mind).”

And then we began thinking about what bumper stickers would be like if they were brutally honest — if they said what we’re all really thinking or doing instead of what we want others to believe we’re thinking and doing.

Here are just a few examples:

1. Judgment Day

I NEVER JUDGE OTHERS (except Tuesday through noon Monday)

2. Oopsie

I SHARTED (but only a little)

3. Uncle Sam’s a’Coming


4. Party Time

I LIKE TO PARTY (and throw up in your house plants)

5. Warm Spot

POOLS (I pee in them)

6. What’s For Dinner?

I LOVE ANIMALS (in a nice autumn stew)

7. Bad WiFi

THANKS FOR YOUR EMAIL (I'm just going to pretend I never received it)

8. Happiness Is

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY (when you shut your fucking mouth)

9. Catwalk

I'M NOT A SUPERMODEL (but I want to stab one on TV)

10. Home Is Where…

FAMILY (they make my soul cry)

Imagine how much better things would be if we just put it all out there. Or, you know what, maybe not.