My daughter wakes every day with one purpose: to have fun, also known as destroy everything “mommydaddy” once loved and worked for years to pay for. So, of course, as grand overlord and dictator of this sticky ship known as our home, my purpose — to keep her safe, cared for, and alive — is in direct conflict with hers. And so as we battle for power, it seems I manage to unintentionally ruin her day, everyday, before 2 p.m. (What can I say? I am overly ambitious!)

But how, you ask? What have I done to make her day so miserable and completely unbearable?

1. I gave her a banana for breakfast; she wanted an apple.

2. She had to wear a bib.

3. I wouldn’t let her play in the fridge…

4. …or pick up our aging, diabetic cat.

5. I gave her the green sippy cup instead of the purple one.

6. I sang the Wheels on the Bus in the wrong order. (Apparently, the wipers go “swoosh swoosh swoosh” before that damn baby cries. Go freaking figure!)

7. I wouldn’t let her play with scissors.

8. I wouldn’t let her eat cat food.

9. I wouldn’t let her lick the screen on our balcony door.

10. I wouldn’t let her lick the bathtub.

11. I used five wipes to clean her butt after a fiercely sticky and foul-smelling poop. (For those wondering what line I crossed here, that was five wipes too many; she was quite comfortable wallowing in her own shit.)

12. She had to wear a diaper afterward.

13. Oh, and she had to wear a shirt: a complete and total travesty because “bubbies” are where it is at — though, admittedly, I have to agree with her on this point.

14. I wouldn’t let her hold a cheese grater.

15. And I served her something that wasn’t covered in ketchup or cheese and took more than 20-seconds to prepare.

16. I tried to help her eat.

17. I tried to help her brush her teeth.

18. I told her it was too early in the day for cookies.

19. I caved and gave her a cookie but it was broken. BIG MISTAKE.

20. I colored with her.

21. I didn’t color with her.

22. And I didn’t let her color on the kitchen floor or living room walls. (Who am I to stifle her creativity?!)

23. I wouldn’t let her flush the toilet for the fiftieth time this morning.

24. I stopped her from slamming doors and inadvertently breaking her fingers.

25. And, most important, I stopped to write this blog post.

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