By Kelly Arnell of Why did we have to have all these kids anyway?

So, your little prince or princess is having a birthday? Hope you have been saving up for this! Be sure to spare no expense. Take out a new credit card or second mortgage on your house if you have to. It is widely known that kids would much rather have the most spectacular, super-duper birthday party ever than a house to live in.

Let’s get this party started.

The Guest List

Make sure to invite every single person the birthday child has ever interacted with — even if only once. Everyone knows that lots and lots of kids means smooth sailing for the birthday kid’s parents. Especially if they are all toddlers. And it’s nap time.

Entertainment

Kids are not able to entertain themselves whatsoever. They have the imagination of a child for Pete’s sake. You need to call in the professionals. Bouncy houses, clowns, magicians, pony rides, and a petting zoo for starters. Then you can add fireworks, costume characters, face painters, fire eaters, and no party would be complete without stilt walkers and a kids DJ.

You thought you could just point in the direction of the toy room and be done? Please.

Cake

Five tier minimum. Must have handmade Disney characters made out of fondant and candles that sparkle like fairy dust. Ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and various other toppings should be placed at children’s level to add a little pizzazz to their slice of cake.

Don’t worry, they won’t dump it all over the place. I’m sure they will be very responsible with Oreo crumbles.

Invitations

Think outside the envelope. Parents get really excited when their kid shows them an invitation box that poops glitter all over the living room rug. Maybe hire a clown to hand deliver the invitations with a balloon animal. Or better yet, include a live rabbit.

RSVP or else

Make sure to send a bill to every kid’s parents who didn’t RSVP. I mean, so what if their kid wasn’t there and didn’t get to ride the donkey? They still need to pony up. You shouldn’t have to ride their asses just to find out if their kid is going to show up and ride the rental ass.

Goody Bags

Again, live animals are always a good idea. A goldfish, perhaps, or a puppy. If you want to go all out, send every guest home with a pony. I’m sure they all have stables at home for it, don’t they? Other things to include in the goody bag:

• Candy! So much candy! When you think you have enough candy for an entire pee-wee soccer team in each bag, go ahead and add a little more.
• Plastic trinkets. A good rule of thumb is 50 Made-in-China-so-flimsy-it-breaks-before-you-get-home doohickeys per kid.
• Feel free to also include a bottle of booze for Mom and Dad. (They’re going to need it.)

Welp, that about covers it. Just remember, a kid only has a birthday once a year — once a year! Better make it special which, as everyone knows, means spend a lot of money, lest your kid grow up to be a serial killer.

Anyone know where I can buy 15 ponies?

*****

About the Author

Kelly Arnell is a stay at home mom from Wisconsin. She has a husband who is completely in charge of bath time, 3 little monsters to cherish and love and to drive her insane! When she is not yelling at her kids to stop licking things, changing poopy diapers or trying to all around keep her kids fed, clothed and alive, she can be found at her at her blog, Why did we have to have all these kids anyway? Visit her on Facebook and Twitter!