By Shya Gibbons of Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist
Listen, I won’t pretend to be a know-it-all, okay? I am only 3 years old, so I still have a lot to learn. I still don’t know what comes after 30, what says ‘hee-haw’ (mommy says it’s another word for daddy, though), and I still cannot figure out where the sun goes at night. What I CAN tell you is that the potty training racket is a scam.
“This is what big boys and girls do,” my family keeps telling me.
“Big boys don’t stand in the corner and secretly poop in their big boy underwear,” I keep hearing my mom say on the phone. I also hear her talk about multi-level marketing (MLM) schemes. It starts out with clothes or makeup or some kind of new plastic storage containers that don’t leave stains when you store spaghetti sauce in them; these are the things grownups care about, apparently.
A MLM starts off innocently enough. You have a friend who is selling whatever and she tells you if you start selling it then you can become rich. You can make megabucks this way. Enough money to buy name-brand toys instead of the ‘Four Adolescent Fighter Amphibian’ knockoffs they keep buying, like we don’t notice.
All you have to do is host a party, and adults love parties. Then at the party you pitch to your invited friends and get them to buy your wares. The endgame is then to get those friends to start selling as well. Goodbye ‘Dog Police’ toys and hello ‘Paw Patrol’! But, wait.
I have heard about a set-up like this before and my own mother partakes in it, yet here I am still sitting here holding ‘Tony The Train’ and thinking to myself, “She’s trapped.”
I know this real nice lady down the block who always tosses me a juice box when I see her. She said her children are grown now and go to college; she sees her son in my eyes every time I smile. I asked her how parents become involved in this MLM “potty training” scheme and she told me everything while she gave me a pack of name-brand gummies.
“The first step is you have a child. This is where most parents can pinpoint when things are turned upside down. Some of them gain weight. Some of them lose weight. Some of them have their hair turn all kinds of colors. Some of them start fresh out of the gate and buy into this pyramid.” She paused to give me a funny look as I grunted, trying to poop in my big boy underwear. There is just no give in them!
“So, they start out with these itty-bitty diapers. They are darling, tiny diapers. Then as the child grows you have to buy bigger sizes. The bigger the sizes, the more expensive they become, and then you receive fewer diapers. Then the potty training starts and it is a new tier. First, there is a special potty seat. Some children use one that sits on the floor and the parents clean it out after their child uses it. Other potty seats sit on top of the toilet seat so you can potty like a grown up. The next step is underwear. There are all different kinds and have hundreds of designs and characters.”
I stopped her to add my insider knowledge. “Yes. Mine have Michael Rat and Don Goose on them. Please, continue.”
“You are right. Parents buy multiple packs of little underwear because you only get three to a pack and most children have accidents 7,342 times a day.”
“I can back those numbers up as well,” I said.
Then my friend looked at me and told me something terrifying. “This potty training thing is all for parents. I bet you have a sticker chart at home. That is to make you think this potty training is fun, when really, it is a nightmare for everyone involved.”
I let her words hang in the air. We sat quietly as I finished pooping my pants and let the information settle in my brain; I paused every so often to sing the chorus to Wheels on the Bus and to think about toying with my mother’s emotions during nap time before I broke the silence:
“So, let me get this straight. You start off in newborn diapers, then size two, then size three, then size four, then size five. Parents go and buy tons of underwear that children will dirty; this part makes sense to me since there is always so much laundry being done I assume it is for my mother’s enjoyment. Then there are special potty seats and sometimes they buy multiples because they have several bathrooms. Then the sticker chart accompanied by the fake enthusiasm when I go to the bathroom every five minutes. At this point they have put out money for diapers, wipes, underwear, potty seats, sticker charts, and whatever toy they bribe me with. What is the point to all of this? I don’t understand why anyone would buy into this.”
Neighbor Lady looked around to see if anyone wass listening. “They do it because–”
My mother picked me up abruptly, putting an end to the conversation right as I was about to learn the horrid truth.
“Did you poop in your big boy underwear?” my mother scolded me while smelling my butt. I. Am. Mortified. Who does she think she is, smelling my butt and pulling me away from a conversation when I was about to learn a massive secret? But, alas, she is the one who will be cleaning this mess, so I cannot argue too much.
I will find out the secret. I will find out what parents are gaining from the potty training MLM. Until then, I will nap off this juice box and packet of fruit snacks, all while I pee in the size five diaper that she puts on me at naptime.
*****
About the Author
Shya Gibbons is a full-time CEO (also called a stay-at-home-mom) to a precocious, blue-eyed two-year-old, and runs the blog Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist. She is happily married to a gorgeous man who doubles as her best friend, and who loves her even on her worst days. She was born, raised and still lives in a picturesque small town where she has stacked up hundreds of bylines at the local newspaper. When she is not writing for fun, she likes to cook big dinners and bake. In her free time she likes to binge watch seasons of shows at a time where she gets far too attached to fictional characters. Her work was recently featured in I Just Want To Be Perfect, the fourth book in an anthology that has been on the New York Times Best Sellers. You can find more of her work on Facebook.