How Betsy Can Improve the Department of Education

By Shya Gibbons of Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist

Since the inauguration of our country’s 45th president, the media has been busy reporting on everything that President Trump says, does, or tweets.

Until now, that is. His spotlight has been stolen and now it illuminates someone new. There has recently been a slight uptick in the amount of posts regarding one person in general (I use the word “slight” because it’s barely a blip in the rough water that is the sea of news). Regardless, people are furious about the woman selected as Secretary of Education.

I am here to tell you: Don’t worry! Stop fretting! Fretting causes wrinkles, or so I’ve heard. I’m not a doctor, and I have zero medical knowledge. Use blind faith and trust me when I say that fretting leads to wrinkles.

Chicken Little, the sky is not falling (regardless, start stocking up on canned goods and get a bunker). In fact, take notice of the gorgeous, bright sun. There is zero chance of seeing rain in the next week, and the sky is definitely not falling down. I don’t have data or statistics to back this up, and I’m not a weatherwoman, but I feel like it won’t happen, so take my word for it.

Moving forward, I thought that I would take time to sit down and come up with a plan of action for our schools and for our children. Perhaps people in powerful positions will take notes from this piece and consider using the suggestions in the near future (hint: like someone who is responsible for the educational system).

I have quite the extensive background when it comes to education. After working myself to the bone for 16 long, tiresome years, I can proudly look at my four framed diplomas with a satisfied smile. Sitting in my office are my elementary school diploma, middle school diploma, high school diploma, and a certificate stating that I am professionally trained in CPR.

Since I have spent the better part of my life in an educational environment, I feel like I am qualified to offer suggestions to better the education of our fine country. Spending time in a school absolutely makes me an expert on education, just like watching every season of Grey’s Anatomy has made me an expert in the medical field (the pending lawsuits have yet to determine if that is true or not, though).

The educator in me has a couple of helpful ideas. These suggestions are simply a few ideas out of hundreds that I have for the newly appointed Secretary of Education to improve our academic system. I truly believe our students and teachers will thrive under this new era:

  • Gather supplies: I recommend good pens. I prefer fine-tipped, but it varies by person. Get pencils as well, because sometimes mistakes happen and they need to be erased. Get manila envelopes. If you want to look competent, in control, and like you have your shit together, then carrying a $20,000 briefcase filled with manila envelopes will drive that point home. The folders don’t have to have any documents or papers inside of them. The mere sight of them exudes power.
  • Eliminate Common Core math: I don’t get it. I would like to see this element removed from the curriculum, effective immediately. It is a labor intensive way of doing something that you can easily figure out with the calculator on your phone. If your first-grade child does not have a phone, get them the latest, most expensive edition that your carrier offers. Good gosh gummy drops, don’t scrimp on the phone because of the price. This is your child’s education and now is not the time to be frugal or cut corners.
  • Get over To/too/two: This has gone to far. Any usage of the words should be considered accurate. People should be smart enough too figure out from the context of the sentence which word is being used. If people are angry about this, I encourage them to write a letter or too two the main office.
  • And They’re/there/their: Same logic as above. If there not smart enough to figure out which word should be used correctly, then that is on they’re shoulders, not ours.
  • Also, Then/than: Have the dictionary change the definitions and make the words interchangeable. Think of it as the grey versus gray argument: both words, despite their different spellings, are accepted in either form.
  • Buy bear traps in bulk and orchestrate fundraisers to get the children involved: Have them go door to door selling bear traps. The traps will be placed strategically throughout the hallways and stairwells. The children will become conditioned over time to be careful around the traps and smart enough to know not to go near them. But do you know who will go near them? Grizzly bears. The grizzly bear epidemic has been impacting our schools for far too long. The situation has to be handled quickly before poor, unsuspecting Susie tries to get a drink from the water fountain and finds herself cornered by a bear.
  • Reevaluate commas and quotation marks: Do we, “really”, need them? If quotation marks are axed then journalists can’t quote the “president.” Those quotes are skewed anyway. LIES! SAD!
  • Stop demanding school supplies: It’s downright deplorable that teachers ask parents to send school supplies for their children to use. Teachers are paid extremely well and can buy the supplies out of their own pocket. Also, moving forward, every school will receive Trump notepads, Trump pens, and the orange crayons will now be referred to as the Trump crayon. For instance, if you needed to color a pumpkin, you could ask someone to borrow their Trump crayon.

As I previously stated, these are simply suggestions to help our children’s academic future. I would be happy to answer any questions that the new administration has about my ideas.


About the Author

Shya Gibbons is a full-time CEO (also called a stay-at-home-mom) to a precocious, blue-eyed two-year-old, and runs the blog Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist. She is happily married to a gorgeous man who doubles as her best friend, and who loves her even on her worst days. She was born, raised and still lives in a picturesque small town where she has stacked up hundreds of bylines at the local newspaper. When she is not writing for fun, she likes to cook big dinners and bake. In her free time she likes to binge watch seasons of shows at a time where she gets far too attached to fictional characters. Her work was recently featured in I Just Want To Be Perfect, the fourth book in an anthology that has been on the New York Times Best Sellers. You can find more of her work on Facebook