What in the Babadook? Do you hate your children and wish to gift them a lifetime of therapy and nightmares? Then this doll straight from Beelzebub’s nursery, the Luvabella interactive doll, is for you.
Spin Master, the same company responsible for the hugely popular Hatchimal toy that caused tears and disappointment Christmas day for kids whose parents didn’t have their shit together before it sold out, has recently released the Luvabella interactive doll that is already sold out most places and projected to be another huge holiday craze you’ll have to fight other parents to the death over.
“You’ve never seen a more lifelike doll than Luvabella!” touts the maker of the doll. “She’s the fully interactive doll that really responds to your affection. The more you play with your Luvabella doll, the more she learns and there are over 100 words and phrases to discover.”
So, not only does this doll look like it will gut you bow to stern in your sleep, only for you to wake up in a bathtub of ice, but it listens to your every word. I don’t know about you, but this toy keeps getting higher up on the “nopes” list the more I read about it.
If you still think this doll has a place in your home because you’re lacking in sound judgment skills, take a gander at this video.
Luvabella keeps sounding more and more like Annabelle, amiright?
For roughly 132 US dollars, you can snag yourself 4.4 pounds of this rubbery, blinking eldritch. And don’t you worry. Included with the Luvabella dybbuk box are its cursed relics – a dress, bottoms, bottle, bow, soother, a lamb for animal sacrifice, and guaranteed demonic possession over whatever unfortunate soul comes to own it.
Reviews aren’t in quite yet, but you can thank the Sammiches & Psych Meds crew for fabricating some ourselves:
The description of this doll says that it requires 4 C batteries, but last night at exactly 2 AM I woke up to it standing inches away from my bed, staring at me as I slept, and I hadn’t put batteries in it yet. Amazingly Eco-friendly!
This doll never ceases to amaze me. Just the other day, I discovered yet another feature – finger painting! Unfortunately, it painted the words ‘RED RUM’ all over the walls of my bedroom instead of the art easel.
A couple more fun features: She sees dead people, she can bite the heads off bats, she knows how to play an ouija board, and when her batteries start running out, she sounds like the cave of wonders from Aladdin if it housed lost souls instead of treasure.
Comes with a complimentary red balloon and bassinet that fits perfectly in the sewer.
My kid loves it just fine, but the cat won’t stop hissing and growling in the corner.
It kept asking for its Lamby, but I could swear I heard it follow that with a whispered, ‘It puts the lotion in the basket.’
If you think she’s bad, just think of what prototypes didn’t make the cut for this year’s Christmas toy: I’m assuming there’s Luvyabelly–an animatronic fetus you can stuff in your pants and feel kicks, Toddlianna–a life-size toddler programmed to tantrum whenever you try to strap her in the grocery cart’s child space, and Lil Threenager–who has a memory chip full of swear words she’ll use in front of your conservative mother-in-law.
Fun fact: if you baby wear Luvabella in a front-facing baby bjorn, her crunchy friend Quinoabella will shame you and lecture you about infant hip dysplasia.
So, what do you think? Will Luvabella be making it on your kid’s Christmas list this year?
Special thanks to fellow SPM contributors Lola Lolita and Crystal Lowery.