The time he spend our Christmas money on a stripper... Or the time he lost our money to a scam from Nigeria... There are so many "memories" Facebook should show me to remind me how happily divorced I am.
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Facebook Needs a New “Memory Feature” to Remind Couples Why They Are Divorced

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The time he spend our Christmas money on a stripper... Or the time he lost our money to a scam from Nigeria... There are so many "memories" Facebook should show me to remind me how happily divorced I am.

By Jennifer Crumly

Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,

With the new year behind us and people moving on with their lives, I would be remiss if I didn’t think about celebrations gone by. Albeit, those festivities included my ex-husband. Still, though, every time Facebook pops up a Memory on my newsfeed, it brings back those same old feelings. I get drunk, as usual, and start reminiscing about the good times with Brad. But my marriage sucked! It was terrible, and I am so happy I got divorced from fucking Brad.

It is with these painful memories that I ask Facebook to develop a new tool. Would it be possible to design a tool reminding divorced couples why they are no longer together? I understand the Memory feature is a random algorithm, but maybe you could create this feature where it’s based on bad feelings and shitty people like Brad.

Here, look at my own newsfeed. See all the crap I had to deal with when I was married to Brad? This is what I need to be reminded of:

January 2, 2003: So we’re honeymooning in Carson City <swoon> and I just heard that Brad’s Mom referred to me at her old lady cross-stitch group as “his first wife.” Bitch. Let the ink dry!

October 16, 2006: Our first son is here, and Brad missed it. Apparently Paulie Shore was signing autographs at a Hooters in Sarasota. <FML>

December 19, 2008: Visiting a lawyer today. It seems that Brad answered one of those e-mails from that guy in Nigeria who said his uncle had died and left him millions of dollars in a bank account, and all he needed to do was send his bank account information. <SMH>

June 11, 2010: Brad forgot to pay the electric bill again. Now we are watching TV in the neighbor’s apartment.

April 19, 2013: Brad said he would replace the light bulb in the den yesterday, but he never did. Ever. EVER. In fact, the entire time we have been married, he has never replaced that fucking light bulb.

November 24, 2014: Brad just told me he spent $200 (the kids’ Christmas present money we’ve been saving) at the Liquid, a gentlemen’s club by the airport, with a stripper named Hot Toddy on his lap. Do any other wives have this problem? <FML>

See, Mr. Zuckerberg? All of these are atrocious memories, and there are more (many more) that I need to be reminded of every time I reminisce about Brad. Brad is a bad human being. And I don’t want to ever be back together with him. So if you would please develop a new tool reminding divorced couples why they got divorced and are happy about it, I would really appreciate it.

Most Sincerely,

Jennifer Crumly

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About Jennifer Crumly

I like to write. I like to cook. I like to box. And I love to travel and tell stories. Ask me about Walter. Or anything about my husband. If ever presented with the opportunity, I would totally make out with Tom Hardy. I despise public restrooms. And people who are unfunny. I live by the quotes: “Those who risk, win” and “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” I love hot dogs and champagne. Bring me either, and we can talk about GGG.