By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
SALEM, OR–The Oregon Toddlers Union announced a poop strike this morning. Members (who were previously potty trained) will undergo an en masse bowel-movement regression, refusing to deposit their stool into the toilet.
They plan to clench daytime urges to defecate and to withhold fecal matter until their parents have put them into overnight pull-up diapers. The strike comes in retaliation to inhumane living conditions, including such complaints as:
- Moms not letting children eat used Band-Aids they find on sidewalks
- Members being forced to sit in car seats rather than being allowed to roam freely in the back of moving vehicles
- Blue sippy cups being offered in lieu of red cups
- Peanut butter getting on members’ fingers when they eat peanut butter with their fingers
- Older siblings looking at younger siblings
OTU President Jordan Hughes (age 3) is hopeful that the demonstration will give his constituency some much-needed leverage.
“We aren’t asking for much,” Hughes states. “Just unlimited television privileges, later bedtimes, and juice. And also pie. And some of whatever you are eating. And make sure no food on our plate is touching another food. And we need the plate our brother is using with the Transformer on it.”
Extremist splinter OTU group, You’re Not The Boss of Me, is urging union members to backslide into a full-blown, non-potty-trained state and to eliminate both solid and liquid waste as they please. Rachel Nader of Keizer, age 2 ½, affirms YNTBOM’s rigid stance. She recently brought shame upon her family at the local Target Supercenter.
“My mom wouldn’t buy me stale popcorn from the Target snack bar,” Nader recalls. “She said we were only there to get detergent. The aroma of old movie theater was too compelling, and I had no choice but to effectuate an act of civil disobedience. Long story short, we are now the proud owners of a six pack of Hello Kitty underpants, a pair of Circo leggings, and a mop.”
Negotiations between the OTU and their parents are expected to take place on Friday. In a related story, wine sales in the greater Salem area have increased by 400%.
About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two toddlers, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on Scarymommy, The Huffington Post, For Every Mom, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.