Have you ever thought to yourself, Gee, I really wish there were potato chips for women? I know I haven’t, and do you know why? Because they already exist and they’re called every chip already on the market.
Somehow, PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi missed the memo and decided to create a solution to a non-problem by creating special lady Doritos that will be hitting shelves in a store near you quicker than you can say nothing because apparently women aren’t meant to be heard.
The new Dorito chips will be “low-crunch” and won’t leave chip residue on the consumer’s dainty little lady hands, thank GOD for that! As Nooyi explained in an interview with Freakonomics:
When you eat out of a flex bag — one of our single-serve bags — especially as you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.
It’s not a male and female as much as “are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?” And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon. For women, low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse? Because women love to carry a snack in their purse.
So, basically, men are a bunch of sloppy, open-mouth, gum-bumping Neanderthals and women are a self-conscious folk who wouldn’t dare draw attention to themselves by doing things necessary to survival, like eating. The new Lady Dorito chip bag better be crocheted and monogrammed with a special pocket to hide my tampons or I will be OUTRAGED. But quietly, and only after dinner has been slaved over and the house is tidy.
I can just imagine the reviews on this bullshit in a bag already:
“Thank goodness! I’ve been desperate to find a snack I can eat quietly and crumb-free, so I don’t have to share with my kids!”
“These better be pink, shaped specifically for my dainty little lady fingers and not make my ass fat.”
“Now, if they could only bottle ‘Dad’ scent, I could throw the kids off my trail on the way to the pantry and snack in peace.”
“In order to attract a male, a woman must disguise all signs of living. Chew slowly, and with your mouth closed. Better yet, don’t eat. Stop breathing. Lay out your funeral attire and put your curlers in beforehand to make your death more convenient for everyone.”
“Use the crumbs as a special sawdust to cover your used feminine hygiene products like a cat so the men-folk don’t know you’re on your ‘monthly.’”
“Can I just buy whatever makes these chips silent in a spray can and douse it all over my children?”
“If these don’t come with the option to be monogrammed, I just don’t know if I can even.”
“These will go great with my Virginia Slims and Tab.”
“Dammit, Carl, I was being sarcastic when I said the ‘girly chips’ were a fantastic idea!”
“Well, thank GOD because regular chips are just way too heavy.”
If PepsiCo wants to create a special product geared for women, it should be jar lids so I can finally stop asking my husband to open them for me. There’s nothing more pathetic than when I’m trying to be mad but have to ask him to open the olives for my “I’m fine” martini.
Thanks to the Mother of Serendipity for helping me come up with these reviews.