A dog is man’s best friend. They give us unconditional love, devotion, and unwavering loyalty. They are by our side through it all. In sickness and in health. The good times and the bad.
Want someone who will love you, no matter what? Who will stay steadfast and faithful and true? Forget about finding a human partner. Get a dog.
We don’t deserve them.
Because what do we give them in return? Really? A belly rub here and there. Maybe a walkie or two. And the same dry kibble, day after day after day. Sure, we praise ourselves for being their best friend. We snuggle them. When we want to. We play with them. When we want to. We give them our undivided love and attention. When we want to.
We assume that when they are gazing up at us with those sweet brown eyes and they let out a little bark, they are merely telling us how much they love us.
Foolish humans. What if we’ve got it all wrong? What if that barking doesn’t mean what we think it means? Well, wonder no more. Because a company has created a dog collar to help us translate just what our furry canine friends are really trying to say. And warning, coarse language ahead.
Behold, the Cuss Collar. Meant for the dog who just wants to say, GO BARK YOURSELF.
That’s right, all you sweary dog lovers. This one is for you. It’s described as “[a] dog collar that curses whenever your dog barks.”
Powered by 2 AAA batteries, the collar features a “100 percent patent leather, padded interior strap, stainless steel buckle, and standard tag attachment ring.” Every time your dog barks, the attached speaker shoots off a swear word. Let that f-bomb fly. The pre-recorded words include some of our favorites, like “shit,” “bullshit,” and “motherfucker,” among others.
The company behind the collar is quick to note that it does not harm dogs. It is NOT a shock/vibration/training collar and is not intended for anti-bark training use.
The collar is by gag gift company, MSCHF. The same company that is also behind toaster-shaped bath bombs that smell like strawberry poptarts and “Puff The Squeaky Chicken” bong. It retails for $60 with free shipping, but at the time of this writing, it is unfortunately sold out. You can, however, sign up for details on its availability by texting the number listed on the website.
Look, life as a dog isn’t all fun and games. Sure, there are good times. Like when you take your doggo to the dog park and throw the frisbee a thousand and one times. Or feed him peanut butter and steak as a special treat. Or when you let him ride on your lap with his head hanging out the window.
But the dog life is often filled with frustration and pent-up angst. As much as we love our canine BFFs, there are still moments when we inevitably let them down. Maybe, just maybe, that barking that we think is our dog saying, “IwuvyouIwuvyouIwuvyou” is really, “WTF, Karen, where is my belly rub?”
Or, instead of “I’m sooooo happy to see you,” they’re really saying, “Shit, Linda, where the fuck have you been? It’s been HOURS!”
And remember that time when you yelled at the dog for peeing on the carpet? And you thought her barking meant, “I’m sorry, it was an accident”? Yeah, no. What your pupper was trying to tell you, in all your human stupidity, was, “Asshole, take that! Now give me a freaking bone!”
And while the cuss collar is bound to provide endless hours of entertainment when your dog is barking mad, it’s possible that you may want to take it off now and then. Like when you have that huge family gathering with Grandma Gertrude and Great Aunt Ethel. Or when you have little ears nearby. Or, mayyyybe not. You choose.
In all seriousness, whether they are secretly cursing us or declaring their undying love, we love our good boys and girls. Because dogs? Truly are THE BEST.