Child Sucked Through Wormhole into Alternate Dimension, Internet Commenters Somehow Manage to Blame Parents

Child Sucked Through Wormhole into Alternate Dimension, Internet Commenters Somehow Manage to Blame Parents

By Jean Lomas-Hamilton of this slow process

Internet commenters are calling for the arrest and public beheading of a Detroit-area couple today after their 18-month-old son was sucked into an alternate dimension through a spontaneously-generated wormhole that appeared in his bedroom early Friday morning.

Initial reports indicate that the inter-dimensional wormhole, which was previously thought to exist only as a hypothetical phenomenon, manifested itself inside the child’s crib at around 1:30 a.m. EST on Friday. In spite of attempts by both parents as well as the local authorities to rescue the toddler (whose identity has yet to be released pending notification of family members), as of press time he remains missing.

The news prompted a swift backlash on social media, with commenters roundly condemning the parents’ lack of vigilance. A sampling of comments is included below:

“Horrific news, but I have to say: Where was the #mother? WATCH YOUR DAMN KIDS, PEOPLE. #wormholeawarenessmonth #momfail” – Twitter user @perfectparent2938

“I’m sorry, but this is just lazy parenting. Leaving your kid in his crib unsupervised all night long? What did you think was going to happen?” – Facebook user Justin Alvarez

“This is what you get when you have stupid parents who ignore there [sic] kids while they sit their [sic] playing on they’re [sic] phones. I’m surprised this precious baby wasn’t sucked threw [sic] a worm hole sooner. There [sic] probably imigrants [sic].” – Yahoo! News commenter Amurricathebeutiful69

“Poor little guy. Might I just say, though, this is natural selection at its finest. Anyone who doesn’t plan for something like this doesn’t deserve to have kids. It’s basic general relativity.” – Facebook user Patricia Chang

“Not to be harsh, but they should arrest these parents and straight up chop off their heads for what happened to this defenseless little boy.” – Facebook user Brittany Diana

“This never would have happened to my kids. I keep a wormhole-collapsing machine in every room of my house, and I make sure to educate my kids on wormhole safety, starting from birth. Plus I take hardcore uppers so I can stay awake and watch them 24/7. Anything less would be plain irresponsible.” – Reddit user BeardoVonFoilHat

“I hope these silly [expletive]ing [expletive]s will pay for their mistake. Everyone knows Metro Detroit is wormhole central! They should have known better.” – Pinterest user Jonathan Simmons

The parents, said to be distraught at the sudden loss of their son, could not be reached for comment. Local authorities indicated that they are “unlikely” to be charged in relation to the incident, though the investigation is ongoing.

Meanwhile, speculation continues regarding the toddler’s whereabouts. A new report released today postulates that rather than an alternate dimension, the wormhole might have actually transported him back in time. Early DNA testing and photographic evidence suggested that the boy may, in fact, be his own great-great-great grandfather.

We will continue to provide updates on this story as more details emerge.


About the Author

Jean Lomas-Hamilton has a husband, a baby, a cat, and a lot of thoughts. You can read about them all on her blog, this slow process. Jean’s writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, BlogHer, and, in her younger days, more than one public bathroom wall. She’s also on Facebook and Twitter… so there’s that.