By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama
Country singer Blake Shelton has filed for divorce from another country singer after four years of marriage. This divorce is reportedly the worst thing to happen to Oklahoma since fracking.
“First Heidi Klum and Seal, then Ben and Jen, now this?!” said apparent relationship expert Jen Simmons. “I just don’t understand how this could happen. They seemed so happy!”
On the eve of Blake Shelton’s paperwork filing, social media spread the news using hashtag #LoveIsDead (which was accompanied on Twitter by a razorblade emoji).
The couple, who married in 2011, met while Shelton was married to his first wife. Shelton told US Weekly at the time of his engagement to the second chick that it would be his “last marriage.”
“I think it was obviously her fault,” said my Aunt Faye after one too many drinks. “What was her name again? Amanda? Anyways, he is ADORABLE. I watch him all the time on The Voice. He’s obviously a nice guy. Not like that Ben Affleck who’s out showing off his giant member to anyone who wants to see it.”
Notorious stalker TMZ was first to speculate about possible extramarital affairs between Shelton and his most recent ex-wife.
Douchebag talk show host Fanny Fairbright added fuel to rumors of infidelity: “You know, there’s speculation that she cheated on him. [pause for coerced audience reaction] But there’s also speculation that she cheated on him with someone else. [collective gasp] At least they don’t have kids, so it’s a clean break. [mindless applause]”
Meanwhile, another source with absolutely no connection to either person involved said that the separation is anything but amicable.
The recently divorced couple has released a joint statement asking for privacy or space or something.
This is satirical. No persons or companies mentioned here actually said or did this things. Probably. In other words? Not real.