By Jennifer Scharf
We’ve tried the gentle approach to bedtime. White noise machines, singing stuffed animals, and sweet little illustrated stories with the subtext of Go the Fuck to Sleep. We still end up with a wide-eyed hellion hovering over us at 2 a.m.
So, this Halloween season, we’re going to try reverse psychology and scare the tootsie rolls right out of her:
“Did you know that we are currently experiencing the worst outbreak of species die-offs since the loss of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago? Are you familiar with the term global warming? That pretty much means the end of the world is near.”
“Seattle is located on a sleeping fault line called Cascadia. Scientists predict an earthquake called ‘The Big One’ that will devastate the entire Pacific Northwest. Aren’t you glad we moved here?”
“Speaking of earthquakes and mass destruction, let’s run through some emergency evacuation procedures!”
“Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny aren’t real. You already knew that, though, right?”
“You should probably start saving those pennies for college. In 18 years, the average sticker price for tuition will be $140,000. And that’s just average, and you will never find a job if you go to an average college.”
“When you die you can get buried or cremated. Cremation is when they burn your body like a big loaf of bread in an oven. I personally think it’s a better option than going underground in a box where worms will live in your skull. Just something to keep in the back of your mind.”
“Do you know what cannibalism is? If you are ever in a situation where you need to eat my body to survive, I’m 100% okay with that.”
“The horned toad lizard can shoot blood from its eyes to ward off predators. Blood from its eyeballs!”
“The world is running out of chocolate. By the time you’re old enough to steal from your kid’s trick-or-treat bag, it will be filled with gluten-free carob bars that taste like cardboard.”
“Should we read a Grimm’s Fairy Tale or watch a stranger danger video before bed?”
About the Author
Jennifer Scharf is a humor writer with essays published in McSweeney’s, Mamalode, Scary Mommy, The Mid, BLUNTmoms, TODAY Parents and more. Follow her on Twitter @momcoms and FB at https://www.facebook.com/jenniferscharfwriter/.