Bakery Recommendation Needed for Sugar-Free, Gluten-Free, Happiness-Free Smash Cake

By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid

Dear Online Mommy Group,

I’m looking for recommendations for my only child’s one-year birthday “smash cake.” We’re going to need two versions:

1) a purple ambre cupcake for a professional-grade smash photo shoot, and

2) a 50-ft parallelogram-shaped sheet cake for the birthday party we’re throwing Sarah Bella Bridgette Josie Maria Kate Kathryn Katie Kady Kaitlyn Cate. (No, I didn’t forget the commas. That’s not the guest list; it’s my daughter’s name.)

Does anyone know of a baker who could whip up a healthy cake with a recipe similar to the one below?


  • 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
  • 1 cup quinoa flour
  • 3 ripe bananas
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/3 cup greek yogurt
  • 2 tsp hand-pulverized cardamom pods
  • 1/2 cup evaporated Himalayan mountain goat’s milk
  • 1 free-range, grass-fed, dinosaur egg
  • 3 tsp fermented blueberry oil from Narnia
  • 1/2 cup pinenuts, toasted over the Eye of Sauron, then lightly cracked by the feet of Gandalf the White during a ceremonial harvest dance at the Hobbit Shire
  • A dollop of venti, deconstructed, family-style, farm-fresh, cured, artisanal whey foam


  • 1/2 cup cryogenically frozen beet juice, thawed
  • The zest of one unicorn hoof
  • 2 dehydrated apples from the Garden of Eden, rehydrated with the tears of the Apostle Paul, then dehydrated again and stored as a relic in the Sistine Chapel for such a time as this
  • 2 cups powdered diamonds, conflict-free

The cake should be crunchy, both literally and figuratively. Basically, I want a cake that is conflict-free, gluten-free, nut-free, sugar-free, lactose-free, cage-free, and happiness-free.

Bonus if the bakery is located near a therapist who can visit with Sarah Bella Bridgette Josie Maria Kate Kathryn Katie Kady Kaitlyn Cate after she endures such disappointment and subsequently resents me.

If you guys know anyone who could meet my bakery needs, shoot me a message. TIA!


About the Author

Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two small children, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.