By Shya Gibbons of Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist
I think it is SO cute when babies and children babble to each other. They laugh and giggle and pass the time whispering in a language we have not cracked. Until recently, that is. A super-smart team of scientists, parents, and language experts recently got together and started to chip away at the mysterious words, grunts, and noises children emit.
The results are shocking.
The group concluded that the children’s “nonsensical babble” was in fact a highly intricate language that spanned the world. Babies are born with the knowledge of the language and put it to use quickly.
“I knew that my 1-month-old baby and his 10-month-old cousin were up to something when they would suddenly stop their speaking whenever we attempted to videotape it,” Jane Doe, one of the scientists, explained. She declined to use her real name in fear of retaliation.
Doe continued, “These children use their language and bartering skills to have invisible laser beams hooked up to alarm systems and wired to their favorite toys.”
Agreeing to do this under the promise of anonymity, one of the research subjects spoke to us. “I am 5 years old now. That’s this many –” the child paused to show us his hand with four fingers and a thumb proudly displayed.
“I knew going into the process that it wasn’t for me. I found about this study and decided to be a double-agent. I’m like the villain and the superhero all in one. So, the way it works is kids start trading stuff. That’s where all of the missing socks go. Parents do laundry and have 30 socks and not one pair. The children trade them to get these beams installed. What are the beams for? To alert the child when the parent moves or relaxes. I know a kid whose mom would try to tiptoe away when he fell asleep. The stuffed tiger he carries everywhere vibrates gently to alert him that his mother left and he should wake up to get her.
“I met a baby once who traded pacifiers in to get the beams hooked up. The second her parents sat on the couch, her blanket would alert her. It’s a complicated system, but it has proven to be very effective. All over the world parents are trying to figure out how their child knows THE EXACT SECOND they relax. I’m here to tell them.”
The study backs up everything the anonymous subject has stated. There is no hope or cure. The team worked countless hours, but whenever they got close to figuring out how to put an end to this elaborate system, their children woke up.
Now, the next time you see two children “innocently” babbling away in baby talk, I want you to think about how many socks were missing. How many pacifiers or bows have been lost along the way. Then pay attention to how long it takes your child to wake up when you leave the room. Or yell when you sit down to watch a movie. Or how they choose the PRECISE SECOND that two parents touch, thinking it’s safe to finally have alone time.
Alone time is a fantasy. This report is your reality.
*****
About the Author
Shya Gibbons is a full-time CEO (also called a stay-at-home-mom) to a precocious, blue-eyed two-year-old, and runs the blog Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist. She is happily married to a gorgeous man who doubles as her best friend, and who loves her even on her worst days. She was born, raised and still lives in a picturesque small town where she has stacked up hundreds of bylines at the local newspaper. When she is not writing for fun, she likes to cook big dinners and bake. In her free time she likes to binge watch seasons of shows at a time where she gets far too attached to fictional characters. Her work was recently featured in the book I Just Want To Be Perfect. You can find more of her work on Facebook.