By Lauren Pathak of untameshrew.com

I am writing this letter first and foremost, okay, frankly, only because I am a firm believer in teaching my children through example. Our current lesson is that if you have offended someone or hurt their feelings, you should apologize, even if the people you have offended are just super uptight and need to lighten up.

So, in that spirit, I am “truly” sorry. I am sorry I showed up with a liter of vodka and some Wild Turkey. Numerous wine-related memes in mommy groups on Facebook had led me to believe these playgroups were basically just bars with better babysitting. That was a serious miscalculation on my part and, while it was just an innocent misunderstanding, I can see how it may have been upsetting to some of you.

I am sorry for my colorful language. If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on in this hectic world of ours, it’s that it can be difficult to balance work and motherhood. Having it all ain’t easy.

My business associate Evgeniy mistakenly thought there was a problem with our books. A tiny mathematical error that could happen to any of us, so we had a small argument using R-rated language. It’s kind of a learning experience if you think about it. Your children got to see that even though friends may have disagreements sometimes, they can apologize and work them out.

I’m sorry about the gambling. Between you and me, Evgeniy didn’t make a mistake. I did steal money from the Russian mob, only enough to cover my car payment and buy a sweet pair of boots I saw at Nordstrom but, still, it was a grave error on my part. Naively I thought it would be easier to hustle children at cards than adults. Kudos to you ladies for teaching your children about money and math at such a young age.

Lastly, I’m sorry that you ladies felt the need to eject me from your mommy group and involve the authorities. I may not be a perfect mother or even a good mother, but I have always strived to teach my children to follow the golden rule. What happened, while regrettable, was just a series of misunderstandings that we could have easily bonded over later.

Don’t worry. Now that we’ve cleared the air, I promise I won’t make it weird. See you Tuesday. This time I’ll keep the hard liquor and swearing to a minimum.

Sincerely,

LP

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