By Topher Paul
Larry here with an important message that, and I am NOT being hyperbolic, will save your life.
First of all, a little background so you can wrap your little minds around what I am about to tell you. As I said, my name is Larry, and I am what you might refer to as a secretary for the higher powers. Much like on Earth, secretaries here don’t get the respect they deserve, which is why I am slipping you this inside information. Yes, I’m bitter, but I’m also ambitious, and I’m hoping that one of these schmucks will look like an idiot when this whole pandemic doesn’t go as planned.
I don’t really have time to explain the whole hierarchy down here, but here are some things you should know:
- Yes, I said down. We’re located in a lair within the Earth’s core
- All of the gods you worship, past and present, are here. There are even some you aren’t aware of. It’s all politics!
- There is no official order of importance down here, but I will say that Mother Nature has the most respect
- Yes, Mother Nature is a god
- Satan is too. Fun dude, but kind of a dick!
- I’m technically a god, due to immortality and all that, but I’m kind of low-man on the ladder
- My real name is not Larry, but the fellas all like to razz me, and insist I go by Larry.
- I’m hoping that this message will help you, as well as give me enough clout to reveal myself as an important god
Ok, now that we have that all settled, and I’m certain you don’t have any questions about what I’ve told you, here is the message: you people need to get your shit together!
Do you see what is going on right now?! I mean, I know this is a global pandemic, but America, this is on YOU! You’ve been fucking up hard the past few years, and the gods decided to end this little social experiment.
During all of these meetings, I’ve gotten a sense of what the gods like and dislike. I figure, if we can create enough discord, they’ll call the whole thing off. If that happens, boy is there going to be egg on the face of the ringleaders. Maybe then I’ll finally get my shot…oh yeah, and you’ll all get to live, or whatever.
Ok, so here they are — the most talked about line items, in no particular order:
There’s a long-standing tradition of the gods encouraging competition in the highest form. Whether is was the gladiators in The Colosseum or the 1989 Detroit Pistons Bad Boys, the gods love sports!
Dislike: Hobbies pretending to be sports
They were PISSSED when Tiger Woods won the Master last year, making people fall in love with golf again. In the 90s, they released Happy Gilmore in an attempt to make golf awesome, but for some reason golf didn’t take Adam Sandler seriously.
Like: 90s Kid Rock
If you’ll recall, for a short while, he was one of us. The Bull God? Anyway, he was beloved around here. We’d be sitting around drinking, smoking, trying to free our mind.
Dislike: 2000s Kid Rock
All of a sudden, lil’ Robbie Ritchie Jr. decided that he was a country singer and fit to be some politician. He could’ve had it all like Snoop Dogg, but decided to get lost in the woods with Ted Nugent.
Obviously we don’t get a cable signal, but we are able to stream down here. And thanks to the generosity of a few benefactors (cough, cough, Obama, cough, ahem), we have passwords. You know what? No, fuck it. I have Obama’s Netflix password, and that is just cool as hell. Sorry. Anyway, due to my awesome hook-up, we have all been able to binge the hell out of Stranger Things, Breaking Bad, and Seinfeld (love that Kramer!). I mean, wow! You humans really know how to make some high quality entertainment. Just thoroughly enjoyable stuff!
Dislike: Reality Television
What the fuck is this? You have the ability to make up incredible stories and use professional actors to tell those stories. Instead, you decide to highlight the worst people you have to offer? The only one around here who likes this crap is Satan (he’s hooked on Love is Blind right now), and even he hates reality tv because of what it did for the Kardashians.
At this point in time, I hate to tell you this, but we’re all out of “likes.” I’ll go ahead and finish off with a few more “dislikes” to really drive the point home.
China seems to be giving you all the bad things lately, huh? If I wanted to watch a teenager lip sync and fumble through an awkward dance routine, I’d watch Britney hit me one more time. If you’re all to survive, there will be only one person allowed to continue to use this app.
— Jack Black (@jackblack) April 1, 2020
Listen, some mistakes are going to happen along the way (I’m looking at you, pineapple pizza!), but shit is out of control. Using fried chicken and doughnuts for buns? Why don’t you try this: USE BUNS FOR BUNS! That is their sole purpose, and they’re pretty damn good at it. Guess what you’re not going to have to worry about when you’re extinct? Eating. So just cool it on the food ingenuity and get back to the basics.
He went from being a backup quarterback at a no-name university, to THE premier player in the NFL. But the gods started noticing that Tom was getting a little too big for his britches. He had the opportunity to hang up the cleats when he hit forty, but he declined. Who does he think he is, a god? He’s not. That’s why we sent him to…
All of it.
So there you have it. Take this information and make the necessary changes so the gods will see there is hope for humanity. My hope is that one day you will know me, not as Larry the secretary of the gods, but as your savior.
About the Author
Topher Paul is not now, nor has he ever been a mom. However, he does empathize with the struggles of being a mom without trying to take away their empowerment…my God, it’s SOOOO tough being a man while having to navigate the landscape of this PC world…ok forget the above. How about: He likes people to laugh with (not at) him. So, laugh. Please? You can find his lack of social media presence on Twitter @topherpaul11