Roy Moore is forcing citizens of Alabama to make a tough decision: A choice between voting for a racist who’s been accused of sexually harassing young teenage girls, or a man who believes women should have a say in their own reproductive rights.
But every cloud has its silver lining, and this situation is no different, as Alabama citizens are surprisingly happy that the narrative has shifted to pedophilia allegations from their usual stigma: being associated with rampant inbreeding.
“Now, people think we’re dumb, but we’re not,” said Cleetus Lovejoy as he prepared food at a local Waffle House. “And people think people shouldn’t marry their second cousins, but it’s not like they’re your first cousins, ya know?”
“People should be able to love who they wanna love. As long as it’s not two men, because the bible says that’s wrong and it makes me feel weird when I think about it for too long. Not that I have,” said Lovejoy. “ORDER UP!”
Montgomery resident Shelby-Ann Gimball agrees that the shift in publicity has been an improvement, although she’s not convinced the accusations against Moore are true, in spite of dozens of accusers coming forward.
“Y’all, I can’t even with all these women saying they were touched by Mr. Moore when they were only 14. I saw him at a rally one time and he didn’t have his hands on any teenagers.”
When asked if she thought the accusers were lying, Gimball elaborated. “Well, I wouldn’t put it past the lame-stream fake news media to make it up! The timing does seem rather suspicious: to wait for numerous other women to come forward or whatever. Oh, and people falsely accused Jesus, too.”
Local Republican Travis Jackson agreed, saying, in part, “It’s like these women who suddenly accuse Trump of touching them inappropriately. I’m sorry, but why didn’t any of this come out before the election?”
When reminded that it did and there was video evidence to back that up, Jackson suddenly changed the subject to the Clintons before going on a nonsensical rant about 9/11, Muslims, and immigrants.
“But the country won’t listen to us. They think we don’t know heads from tails because families have been breeding together here for generations. Personally, I thank God for Mr. Moore because he’s shifted the stigma of our great state of Alabama to something far less insulting.”