No one needs to see your penis

We are going to cut right to the chase and cover this one basic item at the top. No one on that bus needs to see your penis. Now, I know it must be so confusing for you to sit on that bouncy, vibrating bus for 45 minutes every morning and afternoon with your bored, young testicles just flopping around with nothing to do. Should you show them to someone? Should you talk about them? Clearly they are very interesting to you. The answer is still NO! Keep it in your prepubescent pants.

Choosing good role models

Again, truly I understand it’s a very confusing time for you. So many awesome stars and TV guys are getting tons of face time for their bold and daring moves with the ladies lately. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Secret door lock buttons! Younger girls! Just grab them! That’s the ticket!” But trust me, it’s really, really not. Have you heard of Tom Hanks? You should check him out. That “me too” stuff you’ve been hearing? It doesn’t mean you should see these poor excuses for role models and think, “OOOH! ME TOO!”

Communicating with the opposite sex

While maybe you had intended to simply ask my daughter for help with homework, it came out as a shouty plea to “SUCK MY DICK, BITCH!” So, I just feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t try to give you some advice in this complicated arena of cross-gender communication, as clearly this is lacking in your life. In general, the shouting of sexual demands, followed by derogatory name calling, is frowned upon at any age. As is the placement of chewed gum under seats or boogers wiped on walls. Not only will those things get you labelled “Boogers McGee,” but with any luck the former will all land you firmly on the losing side of a sexual harassment suit.

Career choice caveats

Regarding the previous note, it is possible that your actions could also go some distance in getting you re-elected, or a starring role in a movie.

Perhaps your aggressive communication skills are just practice for you or seem desirable to you as you have an interest in politics or mainstream entertainment as a future career. I can, again, understand how things may be confusing for you lately. I’d ask that you perhaps consider asking my daughter how her day was, instead of yelling at her to give you a blow job, something she has no knowledge of at this age or didn’t, rather, until you so kindly introduced her to it. You could also attempt to ask her about the weather, her pets, schoolwork, her favorite subject or teacher, rather than reinforcing decades of gender oppression via sexual aggression.

Respect choice and free will

See, here’s the thing. Everyone likes to have a choice, my daughter included. Choosing between chocolate and vanilla, pizza or cheeseburgers, child-member in a lesbian man-hating cult or normal girl-on-girl experimentation in college. These are the choices I want her to have! Not the depressed explanations of life from a parent who has given up on trying to point out that there are good men out there, that this is just how it will be for her, all her life, always. That men will always shout at her. And she should simply just start broadening her life partner options now.

Next steps

So, in conclusion. Don’t be that guy. You’re only 8; there’s still time for you to get it together. Pave the way for your fellow, future men. You can choose from any of the following:

• Do listen
• Do not pretend to pee on them
• Do ask their opinion
• Do not use aggressive phrases about their genitals
• Do applaud their independent efforts
• Do not point out in front of a crowd that they have breasts – they know.

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About the Author

Stacy Stevenson is a hard working boss lady with the best name alliteration this side of Toledo. Stacy lives in Ohio and moonlights as a veritable cornucopia of wit and sarcasm to her mildly tolerant family. 
She can be found @TheRealStacyES on Twitter or @stacyelizabethstevenson on Medium or momlikeaboss.com.