The Sanctimommy’s Guide to Breastfeeding

A Sanctimommy's Guide to Breastfeeding

By Kelly Hoover of Mommy Dearest, Inc.

Hello Mommies,

I’d like to discuss a topic near and dear to every woman’s heart: breastfeeding. Ah, just typing the word makes me lactate with joy! At this point, you’d have to be living under a very large rock to think that any other method of feeding your baby is appropriate.

But don’t just take my word for it. Hundreds, no, thousands of studies have proven that a breastfed baby is likely to be smarter, healthier, richer, taller, and less likely to kill you in your sleep than those peasant formula feeders. These facts are indisputable.

But listen, I’m nothing if not sympathetic, and I know that breastfeeding can be a bit hard at first. So I’m here to give you support and helpful tips that will keep your little one sucking for years to come!

The biggest fear women seem to have about nursing is the pain. Let me set you free from that misinformation. It’s quite simple, really. If it hurts, you’re doing it all wrong. Breastfeeding isn’t supposed to hurt – it’s supposed to feel good, magical even. Imagine what it would feel like if you met Rainbow Bright while riding on a Little Pony on your way to eat ice cream with Punky Brewster. Pretty magical, right? THAT’S HOW BREASTFEEDING IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL. Hands down, it is the single most beautiful feeling any woman could ever experience. So if you don’t feel that way, don’t worry, it just means you need to try harder and do better.

I’ve also heard some women lament that they have low milk supply. I find this one rather hard to believe since God clearly designed all us gals to provide for our babies, just like all other species on the planet. But if you’re feeling as if you may not be producing at your peak level, there is a very easy solution… breastfeed more often!

It’s so simple, really. The reason you feel you don’t have enough milk is because you aren’t nursing or pumping enough. And, as we all know, since breastfeeding is the single most important thing you can do for your child, any and all activities other than nursing should come a very distant second to your attempts at upping that supply.

I recommend pumping immediately following each nursing session and never going longer than two hours between feedings or pumping in any 24 hour period. Sure, you could sleep or eat a little bit while your baby naps, but that would make you a selfish mommy, and I know you wouldn’t want that. This may sound exhausting, but I assure you, once you get that milk flowing, exhaustion will turn into EXHILARATION and you will forget all about sleep.

Now, I feel it is my obligation to also address the F word. Formula. Oh, how it saddens me to think of all the women who have been manipulated into using this evil product made by evil people who only want to do your precious baby harm. I weep for them and I weep for their babies. Why, when nature has made such a perfect food, would you even contemplate feeding them anything else?

Please, do not fall for the propaganda. Formula will rob your child of any shot they may have at overall wellness. They will be cursed with non-stop ear infections, they will be overweight, they will only want to eat Skittles and drink Pepsi for the rest of their lives. But, above all else, they will feel no attachment towards you whatsoever. To them, you will forever be the woman who deprived them of the joys of breastfeeding.

I tell you this not to scare you, but rather just to lovingly give you all the facts. The choice is yours. If, for some reason, you do choose formula for your child, please do the responsible thing and make it yourself. It may take up every ounce of free time you (don’t) have, but trust me, you will sleep better at night knowing that you made the best of a bad situation.

Lastly and most importantly, whatever setbacks you encounter, please remember that breastfeeding is a marathon and not a sprint, and just like a world-class athlete you should never, under any circumstance, give up.

When you get Mastitis and become faint with a fever and the chills, just keep nursing. When your little one has reflux and screams bloody murder every time you place him at your breast, just keep nursing. When you are a working mother and need to sleep so you can function at a high level in order to keep your job, just keep nursing. When you, quite simply, just want to have a (mother effing) drink when you (mother effing) choose, don’t give in to the urge. Just. Keep. Nursing!

I am here for you. I am cheering you on from the sidelines, and I know you can do it. And, when all other methods of encouragement fail to inspire you, just remember that if you quit breastfeeding, you will be judged. Not by me, of course, but by everyone else. And I wouldn’t want that for you.

— A Sanctimommy

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About the Author

A wine, SoulCycle and Christian Slater enthusiast, Kelly is also a Reality TV Producer who rarely watches TV. There are currently four penises in her family (husband, two sons and a dog) to her one vagina, so her girlfriends are very important to her sanity. Find more of her parenting sarcasm at or on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.