By Serena of Mommy Cusses
They say curiosity killed the cat. By they, I mean all parents who are still sans Pokémon Go, free to waste a few moments mindlessly scrolling through their phones without a child snatching it out of their hands.
Recently, I have submitted to the wildly popular Pokémon Go craze and become one of the millions to download it.
As I delved deeper into the world of Pokémon, I realized that I identify with these monsters. They’re just creatures trying to live their lives while being chased around by children who are hell-bent on trapping them inside enclosed spaces.
I am never the same mom. My mood depends on situations, people, time of day, caffeine and alcohol levels, and also when I was fed last (and told I was pretty).
The following Pokémon have personality traits and behaviors I think all moms can relate to. Bear with me.
This is how many of us start out in the morning. I mean, just look at it, completely dead inside. Kabutops can tuck itself into its shell to dodge questions from small, annoying children. It also uses its knife hands to kill things and drink their blood, which is also the minimum I would be willing to do to get my first cup of coffee.
I wonder how dinner time goes down in a Kabutops’ house. Oh, you want dinner? Again? Yeah, no problem. Let me just violently chop up this broccoli with my scythes. I’m fine.
Gengar sounds like something I’d shout after finishing my sixth cup of re-reheated java.
One of my favorite qualities about this guy is its ability to sap the warmth out of others. This Pokémon is also a master hider who slips into the shadows to escape.
What are you doing, Mommy?
Just pretending to be Gengar, sweetie.
This bitch is fabulous. This is what moms are like when someone else takes their kids for the day. Suddenly we have the energy to take our annual shower. We drive to Target and glide through the aisles like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.
Just like a typical woman, she’s known to hold grudges, is very intelligent, and, some say, has the power of mind control. I wouldn’t want to be the one to unclog her shower drains though.
Despite her looks, Nidorina is what everyone thinks of when they think Mom, gentle and caring. She is a family lady and though this Pokémon prefers not to fight, she’s not afraid to get scrappy either.
Don’t underestimate the lengths a mom will go to when it comes to the safety of her kids. We will scratch your eyes out.
Somewhat of a “helicopter mom,” Nidorina has been known to chew food for her young and gets nervous when separated from her brood. We can see her at a busy playground frantically counting her kids.
Slowpoke is the mom brain of Pokémon. Empty eyes, a WTF did I come in this room for? expression. This is what moms are like 60% of the day, staring on blankly, not responding to half of the eight billion questions fired off at them because they’re looking for…for…what was I looking for again?
Slowpoke doesn’t even realize when it’s been hurt sometimes. It’s fine, it makes a great game the next morning. Toy, Elbow, or Counter?
This is Mommy during that time of the month. Or when you’ve insulted her. Distracted by her elegance, grace, and exquisite mind fuckery, people are stunned when the claws come out.
Persian is described as “fickle and temperamental.” Maybe she just wants some freaking chocolate and to be told she’s appreciated every once in a while, did you ever think about that?
The poster child of “Feed me and tell me I’m pretty,” Persian is known to scratch just because she feels like it, honestly.
Kangaskhan is Super Mom, and while you may not feel like it, we all have Super Mom moments. She may have some attachment issues since her baby stays in her pouch until three but, hey, I’m not judging.
Nurturing, fierce, and completely selfless, this bad ass lady won’t stop fighting until her child is safe and even sleeps standing up so as not to hurt her baby.
Here’s your career woman or work-at-home bad ass. This chick’s got a passion and won’t let anyone in her way. Not only is she beautiful, she’s powerful, too, with a bark that makes people bow down before her.
Oh, and as if all that weren’t enough, Arcanine is a workout addict and she looks hot doing it, too. This Pokémon is brave, loyal, and even stashes food in her mane to bring to her babies. Work it, girl.
Snorlax is all out of fucks to give. You need a special instrument just to wake her up but even once she is, you can’t expect much besides eating and minimal exercising. Snorlax is a starved mother whose meals are usually her kid’s partially chewed leftovers which she eats directly above the trash can.
Snorlax is so exhausted and done with everyone’s shit that she doesn’t even bat an eye when her kids use her body as a jungle gym.
This Pokemon will basically eat garbage and not get sick. She’s our hero. #Goals.
This post was originally published on Mommy Cusses.
About the Author
Serena is a potty mouthed blogger at Mommy Cusses, freelance writer, artist, and mother. Her mission is to make people laugh at the shit storm that is motherhood.