By Sarah Hosseini of www.SarahHosseini.com
We like our wine, and we like our Tar-Jay. (And our gender neutral toy aisles). Ya hurd me, muthas?
I mean, tipsy at Target? Sounds like a day night out to me.
Mothers everywhere rejoiced when news from the booze gods announced, “Target Set to Serve Alcohol in Stores.”
“Hallelujah!”
“Our prayers have been answered!”
“Dreams really do come true.”
Just to quote a few from my Facebook mommy groups.
I gotta hand it to the retail giant. They caught on to the whole coffee craze ages ago and installed a Starbucks in every store. They single-handedly cured all new moms of their sleepless depression with in-store lattes.
Now, I predict Target is going to stop mommy wars.
Just think (cue harpy dream music): with the addition of alcohol – all those coffee-cracked-out mamas high on Venti-Mocha-Double-Shot whatevers will be replaced by sleepy-eyed, happy-go-lucky, put-anything-you-want-in-the-cart mamas.
There will be no side-eyes when a kid throws a temper tantrum in Target. There will be no judgey McJudgin’ mamas lookin’ at the non-organic, store-brand granola bars I just threw into my cart. There will be no snarky comments in the checkout line about how I spoil my kids too much by buying them everything in the one-dollar section.
Wine really does make the world a better place.
Just promise, moms – don’t be the clean-up-on-aisle-10 mom. Seriously. You’ll ruin it for everyone.
Besides the obvious health benefits of booze (for which there are, like, a gazillion studies to back me up), here are 7 reasons you need to get turnt up at Tar-Jay.
1. Blame it on the A-A-A-A-A-A-ALCOHOL. Blame it on the Vodka. Blame it on the Henny. If you forget important items on your grocery list, just blame it on the booze like Jamie Foxx says.
2. Drink off the shivers. Seriously, it’s fucking freezing in Target. It doesn’t matter what time of year. It’s always cold. Alcohol will warm you up.
3. Do your weekly meditation. So you didn’t get to yoga this week — or at all in the past five years. Oh, well. You tried. But takin’ swigs before shopping is kinda like yoga. You get loose and stretch your wallet. Spirits – Spiritual. Samesies.
After drinking 3 sips of wine, repeat after me: “Oooommmm, yes, little ones, oooommmm, yes, you can have Dora fruit snacks and Lucky Charms cereal. NAMA-STTAYYY in the ice cream aisle and pick your favorite treaaaattt.
Now bring hands together, heart center, and bow to the booze gawds. The florescent light in me honors the florescent light in Target. Namaste.
4. Think about you for a change, mama. When’s the last time you bought something for yourself? That’s what I thought. You can’t remember. Drunk shopping gives you just the permission you need to ‘do you’ for once! So grab that organic cheddar popcorn! You heard me! Put that delicious, decadent, sinful, sea salt dark chocolate bar in the cart! You need that new skirt, too. Oh! And THAT new Essie nail polish. You deserve it. You deserve it all, dammit. You earned this.
5. Clock in some “me time.” I know grocery shopping doesn’t exactly count as “me time” because it’s a necessary evil. However, it feels a lot more like “me time” when you’re sucking down spirits. Amiright?
6. Make it your new escape plan. When the kids are climbing the walls and screaming bloody murder at home, tell your significant other you need to “step out to grab a few items at the store.” That is code for “go to Target and let your hair down with libations.” That’s your OUT, sister. Use it for gawd’s sake. The trick is, after boozing. you’ll need to buy something for each of your children from the $1 section. And some milk and eggs. Boom. Everyone’s happy.
7. Get insta-sober. Every Target has that built-in Starbucks, remember? The coffee will instantly jolt you out of your buzz so you can drive the kids to soccer practice.
Cheers, muthas!
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About Sarah Hosseini
Sarah Hosseini is a writer, mother, Profanity Princess and Expletive Expert. “Giving my kids enough material to write a book about me one day, until then, they’re my material.” Work is published in Sammiches & Psych Meds, Cosmopolitan, Redbook Magazine, Good Housekeeping, The Huffington Post, Bustle, Your Tango and many more.She blogs weekly at www.SarahHosseini.com. Sarah lives in Atlanta-ish with her husband and two daughters. Follow along on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.