By Vicki Lesage of VickiLesage.com
When my kids were babies, I used all sorts of clever apps. A breastfeeding app for tracking each feed, providing me with useful information like, “No way! I’m feeding him 12 hours per day? THAT must be why I’m exhausted/frazzled/totally brain-dead.”
Or the poop tracking app (You can even take photos! And I did!) so you can realize things like, “Holy crap (pun intended), he hasn’t pooped for 5 days; we should see a doctor!” or “Holy crap (I’m clearly not giving up on the pun), her poop is a funny color; we should see the doctor!”
All of that is great, but I probably could have come to those conclusions without an app. (I mean, the poop is a funny color whether you take a picture of it or not.) However, here are six apps that really WOULD help us parents out:
1. Around Me, Kid Version
The original app shows you the nearest coffee shop, restaurant, or book store. Ha, like we have time for that. Might as well show us the magical unicorn store or the place where Ryan Gosling gives free massages all day. Instead, this much more useful app shows you the nearest pacifier, sippy cup, or homework assignment. These crucial items are usually hiding under the couch, but for the times they aren’t, this app will help you out.
2. Child Forecast
Partly cloudy this afternoon with a chance of rain? OK, yeah, that information is useful. Better bring an umbrella. But the Child Forecast app is infinitely more helpful. “Slightly moody with a chance of tantrum.” Better bring a hip flask.
This app operates much like your phone’s native camera app, except it deletes the previous picture as soon as you take a new picture. This way, the kids can snap away all day without taking up 64 MB of storage space with pictures of their thumbs.
4. OnTime Alarm
Always late? (Don’t lie.) This alarm app will go off 10 minutes earlier than the time you set it for, giving you precious extra minutes to pack your bag, get the kids’ shoes on, do one last bathroom run, repack the bag after they’ve pulled everything out, put their shoes back on after they’ve taken them off, and do one last bathroom run (“This is REALLY the last one, guys!”) and still arrive on time. Bonus: The alarm sounds like a crying kid because nothing gets a parent running faster than that!
5. What’s For Dinner
This app tells you what’s for dinner tonight. It’s super simple to use: just click the button and it displays “hot dogs and potato chips” every night. Because, let’s be real: unless the app actually COOKS your dinner, what’s the point?
6. Fitness Tracker
Curious how much energy you burn chasing after the kids? This app will tell you. Oh, wait, this app already exists? I really should start using it, then. Because I’m sure I burn enough calories to justify a glass of wine. In fact, who needs the app? I’m sure I do.
Now, where’s that corkscrew? Maybe my Around Me app can help…
About Vicki Lesage
Vicki Lesage proves daily that raising French kids isn’t as easy as the hype lets on. She penned three books in between diaper changes and wine refills: “Confessions of a Paris Party Girl,” “Confessions of a Paris Potty Trainer,” and “Christmas Confessions & Cocktails.” She writes about the ups and downs of life in the City of Light at VickiLesage.com. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.