Your kids are getting older; they don’t need you anymore. You have free time, you have valuable knowledge and experience. You have a strong work ethic and your own transportation. Your family and friends encourage you to re-enter the workforce because, heck, you just might have something to offer corporate America! You put together a spiffy four-page resume, buy a new beige pantsuit from Ann Taylor Loft, and land your first job interview of the century.

The only glitch is, you secretly don’t want to re-enter the workforce after having absolutely no time to yourself for the past two decades. You want to stay home and finish—well, start—your novel. You want to eat cookies on a plate, instead of over the bathroom sink. You don’t care if you’re that mom, the one who never attempts to better herself, the one who complains about her lost earning years, the one who flops as a role model. You want an out. A passive out that doesn’t implicate your lack of ambition. But how?

Simply follow these nineteen interview techniques and you will never land the job:

1. Assume your interviewer will be a single man in his late twenties because aren’t they always? Make it known you endorse this policy and would have a hard time taking orders from a woman.

2. At the start of the interview, when he asks the obligatory yet insincere, “Can I get you anything?” surprise him by saying, “Yes, an iced, half-caff cappuccino would be lovely.”

3. Address him as “sir” and let him wonder if you’re being sarcastic.

4. Use terms like ‘word processor,’ ‘Xerox copies,’ and ‘voicemail.’

5. When he asks you what your personal strengths and weaknesses are, respond to both questions with one word: Lasagna.

6. Clarify that while you are a PTA mom, you are not the PTA mom who spent a year on Ashley Madison. Then give him a knowing wink.

7. Pull out a long list of dates you’ll need to be off work in order to fulfill a lifelong dream of following the band Phish on their winter solstice tour.

8. Ask if he would like to buy any pizza kits to support your son’s baseball fundraiser.

9. Be sure to mention that while you don’t speak a foreign language, you are fluent in half a dozen foreign accents.

10. Include hosting a Scentsy candle party as outside sales experience.

11. Make it known that you would accept a company car—as long as it’s not some hoopty-ride that would ruin your street cred.

12. When speaking of your education, brag about earning your Bachelorette’s degree from a very accredited university.

13. Demand (nicely) that the vending machines be stocked with an assortment of wheat-free snacks to accommodate your gluten allergy.

14. Make up your own job titles to boost your resume clout, like CEO: Cooks Entirely Organic-ish, CFO: Cleans For Oreos, and CPA: Car Pools Anonymous.

15. Consent to a pre-hire drug test, then start biting your fingernails voraciously.

16. Drop something under his desk and don’t make a move to pick it up. When he reaches for it, pop your head under and say, “Fancy meeting you here.”

17. Wink at him as often as you can without looking twitchy.

18. If he asks, “How large was your former company?” tell him, “Four stories.”

19. Lastly, agree to the company’s policy restricting social media, then send him a friend request from the parking lot.

That ought to do it, but if they’re desperate and offer you the job, you can always tell them you’re pregnant.

*****

About the Author

Born and raised in Detroit, Michelle Riddell now lives with her family in rural mid-Michigan where she happily braves her husband’s penchant for DIY projects and her daughter’s passion for wildlife-as-indoor-pets. Her publishing credits include Mamalode, The Manifest-Station, The Good Mother Project, and Club Mid. In addition to being a reviewing editor at Mothers Always Write, Michelle is a substitute teacher at her daughter’s elementary school where she tries very hard not to embarrass her. Find her on Twitter @MLRiddell.