Just after our oldest, Alister, was born, some friends of ours were telling us about how their son had managed to take his diaper off in the middle of the night, dip his hand in it, and paint the walls with his own excrement without them knowing until morning.

Mr. Sammich and I gasped in horror, praying to every deity conceived by man that this would never be our reality. Thankfully, it wasn’t.

But over the years, these stories have seem to become the norm, and with our third child now just past the six months old mark, we are dreading the day we wake up to find the dogs covered in peanut butter or the suede couch a new color of Crayola green.

Kids have been torturing their parents with their antics since the dawn of time, whether by tampering with the hieroglyphs or shaving the cat. And it’s only a matter of time before every one of us falls victim to their terrorist methods — methods such as these, brought to you by America’s Funniest Home Videos and Buzzfeed, for example.

Batten down the hatches, folks. It is definitely going to be a bumpy ride when our day comes.