By Cassie Hilt of cassiehilt.com

This isn’t my first rodeo being pregnant, and over the years I’ve heard some crazy comments and questions from people. Some are strangers, some are relatives and some are people that never talk to me except for when I’m pregnant (those are my favorite ones). So here is a list of 10 things that you should most definitely avoid saying to a pregnant woman:

When are you due? You should really never assume a woman is pregnant. I might be 14 weeks, or 34 weeks. It might be blatantly clear that I am carrying my offspring, but you just never know. And do you really want to ask the lady who may or may not have just consumed a giant burrito when she is due?

Oh my goodness, are you having twins?! No, just no. Chances are she is not having twins. And asking this only confirms her feelings that she looks like a stuffed sausage. Also, adding, ‘Oh, I didn’t mean to offend you,’ to the question does not make it any better.

You’re so big already! Thanks! I love when people remind me how large I am. Whether I am 16 weeks or 36, please, please, please, do not tell me how big I look. However large I may look to you, I can assure you that I feel twice as large. Just tell me I look great, and I’ll pretend like I believe you.

Are you sure you should be eating that? Pregnancy gives you a pass for 9 months to stuff your face with basically whatever you’d like. Whether she’s eating sushi or ¾ of a chocolate cake, just leave her alone. It’s more than likely that she is well aware of the ‘diet’ she should be consuming while pregnant. Let her stuff her face in peace, and without judgment.

You should name the baby ______. Not to be rude, but the chances of me going with your random, un-solicited baby name suggestion are slim to none. I’m glad you think the name Weston Von Beaconstine is a nice name, but just keep that one in your back pocket for now. I’m good.

You look so tired. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Growing a human tends to make me look tired. Like, really, really tired. I feel like death 85% of the time, so maybe it’s a compliment if I just look tired?

How much weight have you gained? Maybe I’m having trouble gaining weight. Maybe I’ve gained 60 lbs. Maybe it’s none of your freaking business. I have enough things to stress out about now; losing my post-partum weight is not even on my radar of things to be worrying about right now. In fact, I’m more worried about what bottle of wine I’ll be indulging in when I get home from the hospital. So yeah….

I had a huge lunch, so I totally know how you’re feeling! Um, no. Unless your enchilada has morphed itself into a fetus, you do not know how I’m feeling.  Did your Panini just kick you in the crotch? Or do an aerobic flip in your stomach? Didn’t think so.

Can I touch your belly? Sure, you can rub my belly if I can rub yours. Mmm k? That’s what I thought.

My birthday is on the ____. You should hold off until then! Great plan! I’ll send my unborn child a memo so that he/she can share the same birthday as the checkout lady from Walmart. I would love nothing more than for them to share that magical day with you.

Now, of course I’m not entirely crazy, and I do realize that most of these comments are meant as harmless questions and conversation starters. But chances are the mom-to-be has heard all of these about a thousand times already. You might catch her on a good day, and these comments might go right over her head. Or you might catch her on a bad day, one where she went to get some ice cream from a local shop and they were out of chocolate (this may or may not be based off a true story), and she’s already cried twice about it.

So for the safety of yourself, I suggest keeping this list in mind before you thoroughly piss off or upset the nearest preggo lady.