By Melissa Coble of An Unfit Parent
America, times are tough. We are all having trouble believing what we are living through right now, and the frosting on that shit-filled cake was the recent announcement that we will now have a Space Force.
Space soldiers! Space tanks! Space guns shooting at….aliens? But hey, it’s summertime. You deserve to live your best life in peace, at the beach or at the pool, without having to worry about some wise-ass 18-year-old space soldier accidentally using his ray gun to blow us all into oblivion.
So, just for you, we present recipes for 10 cocktails that will keep you drunk enough from now until Labor Day to forget there’s a Space Force:
2.5 oz dark rum and Amaretto
1 oz coconut cream
6 oz pineapple juice
Splash of milk
1.5 oz of Bacardi 151
Now, personally, if you need to stay drunk until this whole Space Force business blows over, you may want to go a bit heavier on the 151. Like maybe the whole bottle.
1.5 oz Sambuca
Fill with club soda
Of course, the possibility of the Space Force getting sucked into a black hole should cheer you immensely, so go ahead and reverse the measurements of those ingredients. You will thank us come September.
½ oz melon liqueur
½ oz peach schnapps
1 oz coconut rum
1 part orange juice
1 part sweet and sour
Seems a little light on the booze, bit heavy on the OJ to us. Hopefully real alien urine will come a bit more heavily loaded.
Equal parts Vodka, Kahlua, and heavy cream.
What summer would be complete without focusing on the Russians, otherwise known as the jerks who helped put us in this mess? And if you are waiting for Robert Mueller to get to the bottom of that and save us, maybe your three equal parts need to be a gallon each.
1 part fresh grapefruit juice
1 part Grand Marnier
2 dashes rosewater
Squeezing grapefruit can be a lot of work, so go ahead and feel free to just swig the bottle of champagne while you practice actual moonwalking.
½ oz vodka
½ oz melon liqueur
½ oz coconut rum
Once our Space Force angers the aliens that have, before now anyway, had free reign of outer space, we will no doubt be subjected to all those medical inspections the crazies have been ranting about for years. Who’s crazy now, huh? Better make a whole pitcher of these.
Jello and vodka, equal parts.
You could separate it into cute little shots, but what the hell…just make a jello salad out of it and eat it for dinner.
1 ½ cups coffee
12 oz coke
½ cup each of heavy cream, coffee liqueur, and spiced rum.
Feel free to substitute extra coffee liqueur for the actual coffee, otherwise it’s going to take your forever to get drunk off of this.
Now we’re talking! You can dilute this with water if it’s too strong for you, but if that’s the case, you aren’t taking things seriously enough. Say it with me…Space Force. Now drink the damn thing straight like God intended.
People, we have two and a half more years of this shit. Just drink the whole damn bottle. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
Enjoy your summer and try not to spend too much time worrying about the Space Force. Really, what could possibly go wrong?
About the Author
Melissa Coble is a mom living in Phoenix, Arizona just trying to survive the teenage years with a lot of laughs, an occasional rant, and copious amounts of wine. You can find her counting the days until her nest is empty on her blog, An Unfit Parent, and as An Unfit Parent on Facebook and Twitter.