Writer's Resume for First Blog Conference (Sarcastic)
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Writing Resume for First Blog Conference

Writer's Resume for First Blog Conference (Sarcastic)

I signed up for my first blog conference Friday night. I’d like to say I was drunk and/or high, but the fact of the matter is, I was peer pressured into it by one of my favorite new bloggy buds, Harmony of Modern Mommy Madness.

To most people, a blogger signing up for a blogging conference doesn’t sound like anything unusual. This is probably true, except I AM NOT MOST BLOGGERS. The thought of going to a strange city alone and not knowing anyone in a capacity other than that of online communication is terrifying to me. TERRIFYING. It’s like preparing to go to summer camp, only worse than preparing to go to summer camp. To me, it feels like preparing to pledge to a sorority I have no business being in.


What is there to be worried about? HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE? Let’s see:

  • What if nobody likes me? I mean, what if I’m not Lola enough to meet their expectations?
  • What if my roomie, Abby Byrd of Little Miss Perfect (whom I’ve never met in person, by the way), decides she can’t stand one more minute in my presence and wants to shove me out the window whilst I sleep?
  • What if I have spinach in my teeth when I meet Jill Smokler of Scary Mommy and Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat — two blogging powerhouses I’ve been working with for a couple months now but whom I’ve also never met in person?
  • What if I get so drunk that I take my shirt off and start table dancing on the keynote speaker’s reserved area the night before she delivers her presentation, thus ruining everything? (Just kidding. I never take my shirt off.)
  • What if I get abducted on my way from the airport to the conference and chopped up into tiny pieces? (This is a recurrent fear of mine, this getting diced up, if you can’t tell.)

Which is why I’m trying to convince my real life friend and blogger, A Morning Grouch, to come with me. At the very least, we’ll have each other, and we can rock in the corner and be weird together. Because that’s what friends do. I need you guys to do me a solid and head on over there and demand she attend this thing with me. I need help. And she needs to provide it.

Still, I feel I should take advanced measures in the event she doesn’t attend, so I’ve created a blogging resume detailing all the crazy ass shit my fellow conference attendees can expect from me. I like to apologize first, and then see what happens.

I present you with my writing resume. I just might tape this thing to my front and walk around, avoiding eye contact and sipping on my hide-a-flask scarf once I get there.

writer resume blogging conference