By Shelley Skuster of shelleyskuster.com
I know what you’re thinking. Childbirth and vacation don’t belong in the same sentence, right? Maybe not even in the same paragraph.
But hear me out on this one, ladies.
Yes, giving birth is hard. I hee-hee-whooo’ed my way through painful contractions for hours before pushing out my beautiful daughter last year. And the recovery? Let’s just say I didn’t think I’d ever be able to walk again.
Alas, our 2-night stay in the luxurious Hospital Hotel ended. It was on the bumpy car ride home from our post-childbirth stay that I realized our mini-vacay was over.
Here are 10 reasons why childbirth as a mother of toddlers is pretty much a vacation:
1. You don’t need to cook. Meals come at the drop of a room-service phone call. Bonus: you can eat your meals at the appropriate temperature! And diet? WHAT DIET. I know my Gestational Diabetes Moms know what I’m talkin’ about here.
2. You don’t need to share a bed WITH ANYONE. Not even your spouse. Sure, it may be hard to move and your body might itch a bit from the epidural, but whatever. You can still appreciate the principle of having an entire bed to yourself!
3. People wipe your ass FOR YOU. You literally do not need to wipe your own butt.
4. You can sleep without interruptions…kind of. Those nurse-checks and routine abdomen massages are nothing compared to your screaming toddlers and frantic midnight-shuffling down the hallway to console them from their god-awful nighttime terrors.
5. You don’t have to worry about clothing. Sayonara, laundry piles. Hello, hospital gowns and disposable mesh panties!
6. The guest amenities can’t be beat. Diapers, wipes, formula and baby necessities are complimentary with each stay – for you AND baby!
7. You don’t have to console your baby. Is she fussy? Hungry? Does she have a dirty diaper you don’t feel like changing? Call the Angel Nurse with the click of a button!
8. You have full access to a variety of pain meds. Need I say more?
9. You can walk around in a bathrobe with nothing on but an adult diaper and people SMILE at you. They are actually impressed. Some even congratulate you for doing this. And if you showered, you might as well start drafting your “Mom of the Year” acceptance speech at this point…
10. Almost all expenses are paid at the inclusive Hospital Hotel. That is, if you have a good insurance plan. Meals, non-alcoholic beverages, Tucks pads, panties and more – it’s all billed to your insurance company, and if you’re lucky it’ll be included in your stay!
And perhaps the Best Bonus of all: You’ll get a one-of-a-kind, squishy souvenir to take home – one that’s bound to drive you crazy, exhaust your bank account and force you to lose sleep yet simultaneously love without bounds for an entire lifetime…maybe after they move out, you can get a real vacation!
About the Author
Shelley Skuster is the writer behind ShelleySkuster.com. She’s an award-winning television journalist turned stay-at-home mom to three daughters (all under the age of three) who came to her via birth and adoption. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter and check out her blog, ShelleySkuster.com.