You’ve probably heard stay-home moms bemoan that their personal hygiene just isn’t what it used to be. It’s hard to remember when our last shower was or if we even brushed our teeth. Time and space to ourselves is as rare as it is fleeting.

I miss when baths were luxurious and relaxing. Once you have kids, well… they pretty much go exactly like this:

[SCENE] It’s the end of a long weekday and neither of her two toddlers have napped. Mom hands the kids over to her husband and tells him she is going take a bath for a quick, ten-minute reprieve.

Mom has all children use the restroom so nobody has an excuse to interrupt her. She then grabs a razor, the good conditioner, and a towel. She locks the bathroom door, undresses, and settles into the lukewarm water, silently cursing the hot water heater.

She lays back and takes a deep breath, enjoying her moment of solitude. Then…

*Child runs back and forth through the hallway*

Mom: “No running, please!”

*Loud crashing noise in distance*

Mom: “What was that?!”

*Crashing stops*

Family (in unison): “Nothing!”

*Dog barking*

Dad: (Indistinct yelling and swearing)

*Door to next room slams shut*

*Banging on bathroom door*

Child: “MOMMMMAAAAAAY, I have to go POTTTTAAAAAY!”

Mom: “WHAT? You literally just went! I just need five minutes alone! Please!”

*Distant whispering*

Child: “Mommy said I could have ice cream.”

Mom: “I heard that! Not til after dinner! And, no, crackers don’t count as dinner!”

*Child runs screaming through the hallway*

Child: “You’re too loud! Stop screaming, it’s making me crazy! What’s GOING ON IN THIS HOUSE?!”

Mom: “Can you guys keep it down please? Just three minutes, that’s all I’m asking!”

*Mysterious banging*

Mom: “What is that?! Is that coming from the roof??!”

Family: …

*Soft knocking on door*

Dad: “Babe? Do you know where the ice cream cones are?”

Mom: “I just told her not til after dinner!”

Dad: “Oh, OK, well, I’ll just get her some crackers. Do you know where the band-aids are?”

Mom: “Hall closet. Why?”

Dad: “No reason.”

*Children heard running and screaming through hallway together*

*Banging on door*

Child: “MOMMMAAAAY! Brother hit me! For no reason! He’s mean and took my toy when it was my turn!”

Mom: “I just want three minutes! For the love! Work it out yourselves!”

*Child crying in the hallway*

Mom: “Who is crying? What the hell is happening out there?!”

Family: …

*Dog howling in next room*

*Another crash in the distance*

*Both children crying*

Mom: “Seriously, is everything OK?!”

Family: …

*Child runs back through the hallway, yelling*

Child: “POO POO POO POO POO POO POO POO POO POO!”

*Door unlocks*

Dad and children enter.

Dad: “We need the bathtub. It’s an emergency.”

[END SCENE]

And that, folks, is exactly what happens when moms try to take baths.