MockMom

12 Easy Steps To A Quinoa Christmas

12 Easy Steps To A Quinoa Christmas

By Jennifer Scharf

1. Hang a quinoa Christmas wreath on your door to welcome dysfunctional family members.

2. Trim the tree with quinoabread men! They’re gluten-free.

3. Bedazzle the house with quinoa-filled mason jar votives and quinoa-scented tea lights.

4. Break out the quinoa vodka—perfect for a long night of drinking with friends who have imaginary food allergies.

5. Serve tofurkey stuffed with herbed quinoa. Yum-my!

6. Exchange handcrafted quinoa gifts. Your mother-in-law will put you on the nice list when she receives quinoa resin bangle bracelets that you made exclusively for her. (Google them; they exist.)

7. Time for some holly jolly quinoa Jello shots!

8. Let the kids guess how many quinoa seeds are in a two-gallon jug. This will give the adults plenty of time for another round of quinoa vodka martinis.

9. Send the kids outside to make quinoa and glitter reindeer food.

10. Spin the empty quinoa vodka bottle to determine which couple will make out beneath the quinoa mistletoe.

11. Things are starting to get a little crazy. What the hell: Roll up some quinoa doobies and smoke that shit!

12. Wake up with a raging quinoa hangover and treat yourself to quinoa pancakes washed down with an extra-large quinoa Bloody Mary!

Merry Quinoa Christmas. It’s the grain that keeps on giving!

xo

p.s. Don’t forget the quinoa cinnamon cookies for Santa. (And yes, you do have to take a bite out of each one.)

*****

About the Author

Jennifer Scharf is a humor writer with essays published in McSweeney’s, Mamalode, Scary Mommy, The Mid, BLUNTmoms, TODAY Parents and more. Follow her on Twitter @momcoms and on Facebook