By Mommy Owl
In case you missed it, President-elect Donald Trump used Facebook to personally invite America to join him at a January 19th event celebrating his Inaugural Swearing-In Ceremony, where he will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. (I know… I just vomited in my mouth, too.) And happily — for me, you, and the millions upon millions of other Americans who DID NOT vote for him — the internet responded in a yuuuge and hilarious way.
These 15 people just made your week:
“I’d love to. Unfortunately, I’m having my hemorrhoids removed with a blow-torch and rough sand rubbed into the wounds by a Kiwi rugby player…”
So you’re saying you’re unavailable?
“My dog needs her anal glands expressed that day. I figured I should learn to do it myself, since we are going to be reluctantly cleaning up shit in a few years anyway.”
I’ll bring the popcorn.
“Can’t make it, but I will definitely tune in for the impeachment proceedings.”
Well played, sir. Well played.
“Sorry I can’t attend. I volunteered to polish John Lewis’s Presidential Medal of Freedom while he’s out of town.”
“…I’d rather clean all of the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue. I’d feel a whole lot less dirty afterward.”
This mom’s hardcore.
“I’d rather watch back-to-back episodes of Calliou with a pack of sugared up toddlers who skipped their naps.”
What could she ever be referring to?
“Sorry. I won’t be able to make it. I need to be well rested for this little march a few women friends of mine have the next day. Should be a good time.”
Waaay too high.
“Even free, the cost is too high. I need my soul.”
I need a shower after this comment. (No… not that kind of shower!)
“Umm, NO! Have to make it to happy hour! But I’d pay $$$$ for front seats to your imPEEchmet hearings!”
Now there’s an idea.
“… let’s all sign up and not go.”
That I want tickets to.
“Oh I wish I could, but I don’t want to. I’ll be busy hanging out with all my gay friends. Mike Pence you should join us. We’ll be doing conversion therapy on the straight people.”
Time to buy some stock in Rosetta Stone.
“I can’t make it. There is no way I can learn to speak Russian on such short notice.”
Cause it looks like my pre-existing conditions and I are f***ed.
“Sorry, can’t make it. My pre-existing conditions and I are meeting that day to figure out what the hell we’re going to do when you take away our health insurance.”
Thoughtful is what she is.
“I wouldn’t want to take jobs from all the seat fillers you paid.”
The world’s counting on you, Alec Baldwin.
“No. But I am very much looking forward to the rebroadcast at 11:30pm on Saturday Night.”
Something tells me this is not what President-elect Trump had in mind. Quick, watch the video below and then go check out the full thread before these hilarious comments magically disappear.