So there I was, minding my own business, scrolling through my Facebook news feed after a long weekend away, and what, to my shock and horror, pops up and slaps me in the eyeballs?
This Retro Spaghetti-O Jello recipe. (Retro as in upchucked by your dog last week and then repurposed into this fetching casserole.)
I don’t have to tell you twice that I immediately vomited in my mouth and then had to swallow it back down, which is pretty much what I expect eating this crime against humanity is like.
Let me first say that I don’t mind canned spaghetti. I mean, it’s not something I’m running out to the store to get, but there’s nothing the matter with a little processed Italian on occasion (like when you forgot to buy dinner supplies at the supermarket and all the little people you created start whining and crying about being hungry, so you dig through the pantry and find a can of
hork pasta in the back that was somehow bequeathed to you from your great-grandmother when she passed away, plop it into a microwave-safe bowl, and nuke that mother until it’s just above room temperature as you pour an entire bottle of wine into that oversized glass someone so thoughtfully gave you as a gag gift and wait for the sweet sound of your spawn slurping it down, which is only slightly less terrible than their screaming and crying).
I don’t have a problem with that ON OCCASION. But this? This is some fuckery I can’t even wrap my mind around.
First, they had to go and gelatinize it. Isn’t it already gelatinous enough?
Then they chilled it. Like, are you supposed to eat it cold? I can’t think of anything more inhumane.
BUT WAIT. There is something more inhumane. And that’s the baker’s dozen of boiled dicks they decided to place in the middle.
Like, hey, I don’t think this is quite the level of kill me now we were going for. I KNOW! Let’s add some slimy intestines and buttholes encased in meat skin to the center. There. Now our monstrosity is complete.
Judging by the number of people I have seen sharing this recipe and the number of views it’s garnered in just 5 days (almost 13 mill), I’m guessing one of two things is going on: 1) everyone else is just as horrified as I am by this concoction, or 2) there are some sick motherfuckers out there who actually find this regurgitated nightmare delectable.
Whichever camp you fall into, I dare you to bring this terror to your next family reunion or potluck. And then watch who digs in with glee.
Those are the people you’re gonna want to stay away from for eternity. *hurls forever*