I have made some bad choices in my day. VERY BAD.
I don’t know what I was thinking, actually. I know better than to mix different drinks in one outing. I even find myself reciting that old bit in my head on the rare opportunities I get to hang out sans kids. You know, the one that goes something like, “Beer before liquor, never sicker.”
I never listen to myself.
They should really just change it to say, “Beer OR liquor after 30 and when you’re a parent and have retired your party pants, never sicker.” That one might stick.
Regardless of how the saying goes, I don’t abide by it, and I’ve been regretting my poor decisions for seven years now.
LONG, PAINFUL YEARS.
You’d think I’d have learned to watch myself after all that. But no. Nopers. Not even a little bit.
It is, however, during all that suffering over the years that I’ve discovered a few things nobody needs when hungover. So, field research? Sure. That’s what I’m gonna call it.
I present you with things you definitely don’t need while hungover. EVER.
noise-making toys
pleas to “come look at this, Mommy” or “Mommy, Mommy, MOM-MY! Can I have a fruit bar?”
ringers on telephones
alarm clocks
lots and lots of children running around crazily
balloons
to see or smell others drinking wine or beer
to read a dinner menu on a smart phone while riding in a car along curvy roads
to ride in a car along curvy roads
to start one’s period
demands to “color this one blue and that one red and the other one green”
temper tantrums because the dogs ate the Lincoln Logs
children’s squeals of glee
laughter of any kind
to see a young, college-age couple fighting outside Bennigan’s (No, wait. I did need that.)
muddy shoes
to have to go to work the next day
dog pee on the carpet
to have the driver turn the music up full blast in an attempt to drown out the screaming children in the back of the car
sunlight
[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]to have to put on clean clothes
to brush one’s teeth whilst gagging uncontrollably
extreme heat
extreme cold
socks on
socks off
to run out of iced tea
dinging smart phone and tablet notifications
graduate class work
to wake up to a staring child 2 inches from one’s face
to have to brush one’s hair
to have to remove yesterday’s makeup off one’s face — ALL OF IT
to feel so dehydrated, one’s certain his/her internal organs look like raisins
to wake up feeling like one’s got socks on his/her teeth
to have to be presentable in public
to have to put on pants
to run out of bubble bath and have to use the Johnson’s and Johnson’s baby wash
to be certain one needs a shamrock shake only to take a few sips and be slightly less certain
to write lesson plans for PD day
toddler farts
bells or rattles on toys
diaper genies
responsibility
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a porcelain god to pray to at some point within the next few months. I’m sure of it.
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