Potty-training is hell. Before embarking on this parenting gig, I had NO IDEA how hard this was going to be. I was sorely unprepared for how much of someone else’s poop I’d get on my actual self. How many things in my house would get soaked with pee. And how much I’d cry and day-drink.
And if you feel tempted to throw that 3-day method shit at me, please don’t.
We’ve used the 583-day method FOR EACH OF MY THREE CHILDREN, which means I’ve been basically been potty-training without a pee/poop-free week for seven. fucking. years. Instead, please bring me wine and new couches. Thanks, friends.
In the meantime, if you are stuck in the urine-filled trenches, have a laugh with these funny parents on Twitter. And go follow them for more funny tweets that will make your parenting fails seem not so bad.
Friend: Does parenthood really change you?
Me: I called other people about my kid pooping in the toilet today.
Her: So that’s a yes.— ParlerToddler (@Parler_Toddler) August 16, 2017
#pottytraining is almost as unpredictable as how many times @realDonaldTrump will say the word “billions” tonight.
— Shanna D (@shubbleson) August 22, 2017
Potty training my kid, and I just made up a cheer with the word POOP in it. Burning my college degree later today.
— Carrie On, Y’all (@CarrieOnYall) April 12, 2016
“Do something that scares you every day,” I whisper as I leave the house with my potty-training toddler.
— Pails and Fires (@pailsandfires) July 8, 2017
My 3yo walking in circles holding it saying, “I don’t need to go” is his version of being potty trained.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) September 28, 2015
4yo refuses to wash hands after using the potty. UNLESS it’s bedtime. Then it’s like she’s scrubbing in for major surgery. #parenting #humor
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) September 22, 2014
We’ve done a good job teaching the dog not to poop on the lawn. We have not done a good job teaching the toddler the same.
— And What a Mom! (@andwhatamom) May 25, 2017
Can’t I, just once, sit down to pee and not have to watch my footing lest I step in piddle?
Is that too much to ask?
My boys- Yes it is.— Why all these kids? (@whyallthesekids) April 28, 2016
If you don’t know what pee socks are, you’re probably not potty training a toddler.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) January 11, 2017
If you ask your toddler before getting in the car if he needs to pee & he says no, he might be lying.
Yep. *smells urine*
He was lying.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 24, 2016
Having kids changes things. Before my boys, I saw a toilet as a distinct object. Now I know it’s an abstract concept you just kinda pee near
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 11, 2015
I don’t care if the neighbors think we’re trashy.
Billy peeing in the yard is potting training success to us. #pottytraining #parentinghumor— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) August 25, 2017
2.8 yr old got stickers & put them on the pottytraining chart w/o actually going, so I’m just gonna call it & let the chart speak for itself
— Lauren Wellbank (@Lakewidotnet) August 25, 2017
There. Now don’t you feel better? Pour that glass of wine and take comfort in knowing that we’re all stepping in pee, just like you.
image credit: Valentia Powers on FlickrÂ