Humor Parenting SPM/MM

The Sh*t Show That Is Taking Kids To The Pool

Taking kids to the pool is a pain in the ass. It was so much easier before you had to carry around diaper bags, sunscreen, and don a mommy swim dress.

Like families across our great land, we rang in the arrival of summer with our first trip to the pool. Remember going to the pool before you had kids? It looked something like this:

  1. Put on swim suit.
  2. Go to pool.
  3. Don’t bother with sunscreen because tan people look skinnier and you’re too young to worry about leathery wrinkled skin or cancer. That will never happen to you!
  4. Enjoy fruity wine and leisurely magazine reading with girlfriends throughout a relaxing afternoon.
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Things have changed ever so slightly now that you are a parent. First of all, it is a flipping Olympic event to prepare for a pool visit. In fact, there is a mathematical equation to break down just how long this process will take:

Multiply the number of kids you have by 20 minutes. Add 20 extra minutes for each child under 2. Add 15 extra minutes for a child who is potty-training.

That is how long it will take you to prepare for a 90-minute pool visit.

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One hour and 35 minutes later, the kids are sun-screened and in suits, 2 of the 3 are in swim diapers, extra swim diapers are packed, older kids have used the bathroom before leaving, snacks are packed, drinks are packed, water wings are packed, hats and sunglasses are packed, towels are packed, and Mommy is in her suit which is covered by the obligatory “mom-pool-dress.” She, of course, forgot to put sunscreen on herself (but WTF ever) and…

“Let’s go, kids!”

The only part of you that “tans” is your back and the top of your head which, in reality, are really just burned. (You forgot sunscreen, remember?) The sunburn is due to the fact you spent the ENTIRE 90 minutes bent over a kid, making sure she doesn’t die, is hydrated, isn’t drinking excessive chlorine, and isn’t pooping through the swim diaper (which in no way holds in any child’s poop in any pool, ever.)

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After an hour or two, you are forced to make a difficult decision.

  1. Do you change here in the slippery and slimy bathroom?
  2. Do you say screw it and let ’em change naked by the side of the pool and throw all the wet clothes on your already disgusting minivan floor?
  3. Do you change at home which means putting soaking wet, shivering kids in their car seats?

You opt for #3 because you foolishly think it is the easiest choice. You try to lay down towels under your sopping wet kids first, but they keep falling down and bunching up under their butts. The towels—not the children. Therefore, your kids whine excessively because sitting on a bunched up towel in a wet bathing suit for the 9 minute drive home is complete torture and they’ve never experienced something so horrifically uncomfortable nor will they ever again.

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As soon as everyone is dry and changed they are plopped in front of a movie. Mommy pours herself a glass of wine and drinks it by herself in her kitchen.

See, not too different from before you had kids, right?

This post originally appeared on The 21st Century SAHM