The Right to Bear Balls: A Look at the 2nd Amendment

The right to bear arms is etched in the Constitution, but is it still applicable today? This allegorical look at the Second Amendment raises important questions.

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By Anonymous

DAY ONE: Melvin began to get rough while playing ball at my daycare today. He started throwing the ball at all the other kids.

To fix it, I gave all the kids balls to throw at him. If I took the ball away, he would just steal one from the neighbors or other kids illegally. At least this way some of the other kids can police him with me. This should make for an overall safer atmosphere. When society watches out for society without The Man jumping in, things should run better.

I’m quite proud of myself. I wrote down in the contract for daycare that the children would be able to play with balls. I like to refer to it as “their right to bear balls” when I’m feeling clever. Had I overreacted like some daycares would do, no one would have access to the balls. There would have to be amendments to the contract and all sorts of red tape.

I’ve had that contract since I started this daycare. Like hell I’m changing it.

I am following what our great nation was founded on. These children will grow to be citizens that understand the importance of written declarations and rights. They will know that no one can take their weapons… I mean balls… away from them. That times change, but there are some things not subject to updates.

DAY TWO: Melvin is still being troublesome. I think it must be that we don’t have enough hard balls that really hurt when he gets hit. I have given the kids more balls in order to get the situation with Melvin under control. Balls don’t hurt people. People hurt people.

I know lifting the ban on the balls for throwing is the right thing to do. I mean, take the lift on the assault rifle ban. I don’t think I need to go into how that has turned out. More power and more people wielding that power will solve this.

DAY THREE: A parent complained today. Their child was hurt in the crossfire. One of the children tasked with helping has bad aim and unfortunately hasn’t been properly trained. This led to a ball ricocheting off a wall and hitting the head of a toddler. The toddler’s parents felt like I wasn’t doing my job. I told them about Melvin. They explained it was not Melvin who hit their child. I explained that Melvin is in all of us. I’m not sure they bought that.

I am tempted to take the balls away from Melvin, but we all know he would just take someone else’s ball if I do that. I could make it more difficult for him or anyone to get the balls, but that isn’t fair to everyone.

Sandra, one of the little girls, complained that she didn’t like how things were in daycare anymore. I told her that if she didn’t like this daycare, she could go to a different daycare. I’ve had her here since she was born, and she doesn’t know any other daycare, but questioning our way of doing things? How dare she?

I also explained that last week a little boy was hit with a ball just down the street at a totally different daycare. I know for a fact that daycare has way stricter rules on balls. Ball throwing happens everywhere. You can’t get away from it, so you just better carry the biggest ball.

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DAY FOUR: More parent complaints blaming me for not watching their kids. Again I explained that it is Melvin’s behavior that is driving this. I explained that by them saying I’m doing a bad job supervising, it’s almost like Melvin gets a free pass. He’s doing all of this. Why do people keep looking at me? Must be nice to be a little asshole with no one hold you accountable.

DAY FIVE: Situation has changed. Melvin is out sick, but another rough player has emerged, and the children are swift to correct him. To be honest, I didn’t even see him do anything, but the children insist that he needed to be taken down, and they had the resources to do it.

For a split second, I thought about just taking the balls away, but I remembered: hey, if I take these away, they will just find something else to throw. They’ll probably find something sharp or something really large to throw. That could do even more damage. Better stick with this.

No one is going to take my balls (that’s what he said). It’s written in an ages-old contract, after all.


Balls or guns — what’s the difference really? Tragedies continue to occur because of our steadfast commitment to a document written hundreds of years ago in a much different time. I don’t know what the answer to our problems are. But I do know the one we cling to isn’t working.

So what’s the answer?