Apparently this is the world we’re living in. While the pandemic rages on with no vaccination in sight, researchers are spending their valuable time proving something that well, doesn’t take a scientist to figure out.

According to an article published on the New York Post’s website, British psychologist, Richard Stevens, continued his study that began in 2009 and concluded that saying the word “Fuck” can increase the threshold for pain. The research also found that saying neutral or made up swear words did not help decrease pain when subjects dipped their hands into ice-cold water.

Supposedly the effect has something to do with our conditioning as children that the word is bad to say, and the positive emotional reward we obtain when we flout those rules. Have you ever stubbed your toe and not let out an expletive-filled tirade?! It’s impossible. It just feels good to swear sometimes, especially when we are dealing with some sort of pain.

As I mentioned earlier, test subjects showed no increase for pain tolerance when saying the made up swear words. What were those words you ask? Obviously they were “twizpipe” and “fouch.” It probably took Captain Obvious, Ph.D. five years to scientifically develop those words.

Clearly those words are not going to impact the situation. Those are dumb words that make you feel like an asshole just for saying. Then you look down and realize you’re sticking your hand in freezing cold water so some schmuck can write an essay. Meanwhile, those other people are over there getting to say “FUCK” to their hearts content, and probably feeling like they’re sticking their hands in a hot tub. Lucky fucks, you think to yourself, but don’t say aloud, because you’re only allowed to say “twizpipe.”

While it’s not saving the world, or even a single person, it is comforting to know that there’s a benefit to my repertoire of fucks. I’ll let ’em fly if I ever find myself wrist deep in a cold bucket of water, and according to science, I won’t feel a thing.