I was recently engaging in what seemed like a friendly exchange between mothers. We commiserated about taking a crap in front of an impatient audience, the best way to explain (to your tiny, fascist dictator) that you don’t want their grimey fingers in your nose, and how to keep said grimey fingers from viciously penetrating the dog’s butt hole. It was a refreshing reminder that I’m not the only mother whose toddler makes Mussolini look like Mr. Rogers.
These are my fucking people, I thought.
But then it happened. I quickly realized that I had become the proverbial monkey in the middle of conversational keep away. The commentary turned to finding time to make dinner. I divulged my love for cooking and my determination to always find the time.
They locked eyes with each other in such a voracious manner that I believed my life was in danger. Legitimate danger. I envisioned them fashioning a noose out of their cashmere scarves. I glanced up at the ceiling, ready to meet my demise.
Instead, they chose a verbal noose.
“Yea, cooking is great…when you don’t have a job,” one said. Her glance burned straight through me to the other mother. “YOU know what I’m saying; you work, too.”
I thought these were my people.
“Ohhh yea, girl, you KNOW I do,” the other responded. They turned to me in unison. “You have NO idea how lucky you are.”
I turned away silently. I felt like my heart was going to fall out of my butt.
REAL TALK: If you want to stay home with your kids—with every fiber of your being—you’ll find a way.
You’ve struck a fabulous work-life/home-life balance? That’s amazing; something to truly be commended. Most of my very best friends have successfully done so. That’s why they’re my best friends; they’re badass motherfuckers.
You’re the mystical, magical creature more commonly known as a single parent? I BOW DOWN. Read on, but this does not speak to you. This explicitly speaks to parents like the aforementioned ladies that I had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting. Parents who make other parents feel like a big pile of dog shit for the way in which they choose to raise their families. News flash: everyone hates you.
About half way through my pregnancy, my husband and I decided that one of us was going to stay home. Being the asshole that I am, I made him “realize” that I was the obvious, best candidate. At that point, we had to figure out how to live on his 100% commission-based pay…that 100% means that you have no fucking clue what your pay check will look like. We’re a year-and-a-half in, broker than a broke-dick dog, and still making it work.
With that being said, I’d like to go back to that moment when I walked away silently from those judgmental twats. Instead of walking away, I would have offered these 7 tips to ensure that they, too, could live on the edge of sanity and poverty while staying at home with their kids.[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]
1. REEVALUATE YOUR HOUSE
I imagine your delight when you were approved for a mortgage that could accommodate your elitist appetite for a brand-new 5,000 square foot home. In. Your. Fucking. Dreams. Location, return on investment, and schools. Those qualities are all that matter. Older and in need of updating? Perfect. With the know-how of Pinterest and some elbow grease, you can achieve the same domestic bliss offered by the likes of Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware. Oh, you’re not creative, you say? Spare me. You can complete a Pinterest DIY with the same literal ease of taking a shit after eating a prune sandwich.
2. DITCH THE EXPENSIVE CAR
You’re so desperate to stay at home, right? Your $50,000 mini van begs to differ. But it’s safe, you say. It’s roomy, it’s reliable, it has a rear entertainment system. You’re a pompous asshat. You can chaffeur your ankle biters around in a safe vehicle for half the cost. How will you entertain your kids without rear entertainment? How could you possibly survive? Last time I checked, kids think farts are rip-roaring hilarity. So…there’s that.
3. BE THRIFTY WITH KID STUFF
Shop consignment. Shop Target. Shop Costco. Shop smart. While you’re belittling me for “being lucky enough to stay home,” you’re pushing a $2,000 stroller. A stroller that’s carrying a baby with a monogram on its blanket, bottle, pacifier clip, socks, and romper. A $50 romper made from what looks like sewn-together rags. BYE, FELICIA.
4. DOWNSIZE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
Get rid of cable. You will save an ass pile of money. Quite frankly, I’ve learned more from PBS in the past year than I did in 4 years of college. What exactly are you watching on cable TV? Be honest. Housewives? I knew it. OK, the first step is to admit you are powerless to the mind-fuck that is reality TV. The second step is accepting that the real housewives are not real, and for that matter, are as interesting as a taint. The third step is to get a a fucking grip and get rid of it.
5. PREPARE FOR DIFFERENT ADULT STUFF
Hey, Diva. You’ve got to do something for YOU on occasion, right? Wrong. But you’ve got to, at least, do something with your spouse on occasion, right? Absolutely. Date night means a spousal brainstorming session on how to not end up living in a cardboard box.
6. RETHINK SUSTENANCE
You’re expecting me to tell you to make Spam a pantry staple, aren’t you? Listen, no matter how tight the budget, it is never okay to feed your family crap. You can’t afford it? Hi, I’m calling you on your bullshit. It’s not about the cost; it’s about you getting off of your lazy ass. Develop a budget, plan your meals, shop strategically, compare prices. Whole, clean, seasonal eating is hugely important. If you don’t think so, you’re a fucking moron.
7. STOP BEING A CUNT
Women endure the utmost arduous of all tasks when they bring a human into the world. Only a man would argue with that. We need to band together and stop being cunts to one another (Unless you’re a stay-at-home mom who employs a nanny and cleaning lady so that you have the time to go fuck, I mean work out with, your personal trainer. In that case, you’ve got a “be a cunt to me” target on your back). No matter your circumstance—working mom, single mom, stay-at-home mom—be mindful of other mothers. Now, women without children who dole out parenting advice? They’re the real cunts.[/nextpage]