Sometimes I hate my husband, and I’m still a loving wife.
There are days that I want to smash things because of words my husband uttered without thinking. Nights I want to smother him with a pillow for snoring too loudly when I’m exhausted. There are days I want to scream at him to get out. Do these things mean I do not love him? Do they mean I don’t appreciate him? No.
Our relationship is never going to be a romantic fairy tale. We get by just fine knowing this. We still love each other; we still appreciate one another. We realize we have faults. We never expected everything to be roses and fluffy unicorn farts.
Some days my husband and I get along similar to our children, fighting with each other over nothing. If either of us breathes wrong we are biting off the other’s head. There are days we cannot be around one another for fear of causing our marriage to fall apart. We both need space and it’s OK.
I love my husband for all that he is and all that he is yet to be. Some days, I simply don’t want to talk to him. I’m sure he feels the same. I’ve heard some of the things he calls me when I’m not around. I’m actually happy he vents about me. At least I know he’s not holding it in, waiting to snap on me.
Our loin spawn have a lot to do with our fights. They cannot seem to simply behave and do as they’re asked. I’m the punisher, I’m the chore master, I’m everything in their world. Their dad works, and I’m OK with being all of those things. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I’m OK with it. The other one percent, I hate my husband for not being around.
I don’t want to be the only one around for bedtime. I want him to be the one to get after them for leaving the bathroom light on for the billionth time. Can’t he magically appear when it’s time for showers and brushing their teeth? Is that too much to ask?
I hate my husband for not being Prince Charming when shark week ensues. Why can’t he bring me chocolate without me telling him? Doesn’t he know once my uterus begins to shed I want to eat five-pound candy bars? I think he should know by now!
For the last few months — hell, years even — I have considered divorcing my husband. I’ve filled out the papers, driven to our local courthouse, and cried in the parking lot before returning home, papers in hand. I’m still on the fence about it.
My husband isn’t the emotional type. I am. I need to hear I’m wanted. I need reassurance that I’m still beautiful to him. When I don’t get these things, I start looking for them outside of our marriage. I consider it cheating. I’ve told my husband everything I’ve done. We fought; we stayed up all night trying to figure out what we can do to change what’s happening to our marriage. Right now, things are better.
How long are they going to stay this way?
I’ve been down this road with my husband before. This is why I’m still on the fence about divorce. How many times can I walk this path before I’ve had enough? How many times can I cry myself to sleep at night wondering if my husband even loves me anymore? How many more years can I survive with the scraps of attention I am getting?
I guess the real question is, how long before I love myself enough to let go of hopes and dreams that will never come true? Can I put aside my wants and needs for the greater good of our family? Should I put aside my happiness?
I know a lot of people will consider this spouse bashing. Personally, I don’t give a shit if you like it or not. This is my life, and I need to talk about my feelings.
And for those of you also having marriage difficulties at this time, I want you to know: it’s OK to hate your husband/wife. It’s OK to need someone to lean on and vent to. Most importantly, it’s completely OK to talk about your troubles.