By Julie Walthers of Ghost Editorial

The holidays have come and gone, and with them a new generation of Fitbit users have been born. It doesn’t matter whether you received the high-end Surge, with its sexy interface that makes you feel a little like James Bond, or the sensible and straightforward One, with just enough data to get you hooked; the second you attach the Fitbit to your person, all bets are off.

So let me be the first to tell you, if you don’t already know, your well-intentioned goal of being more active this year will start off appropriately enough, but will likely take a turn for the worse. At first you’ll take the dog out for more walks, you’ll stroll around your office during your lunch hour, maybe you’ll spend an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill, and if you’re tracking your calorie intake, perhaps you’ll opt for an apple instead of those chips. All good things.

But all good things must come to an end. Soon you will find yourself marching in place in front of the microwave, or pacing around the elevator as you ascend to your 5th floor apartment (that is assuming that you were lazy enough to take the elevator in the first place instead of getting your stairs in for the day). You’ll commit certain distances to memory and constantly run the numbers in your head (well, if the distance from the elevator to my car is about .17 miles, that’s about 250 steps, times 2, that’s about 500 steps…) And so help me God if you are challenged by a fellow Fitbitter friend to one of those weekly step competitions. You have essentially now begun a perpetual battle that plays out in 7-day stretches, 10,000 steps at a time.

As they say, sometimes your only purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. And with that, I’ve documented my swift decline into Fitbit obsession. Here is my journey:

Day 1: And so it begins! I’m ready to get my steps in and walk walk walk all day long. I’m sure that I’ll easily get 10,000 steps since I’m up and moving around my classroom all day. Let’s do this!

Day 2: OK, yesterday was a bit of an eye-opener. Well, if I get about 2.5 miles in while at work, and then take the dog out for a 20-minute walk, and then get to the gym, I’ll hit my step goal for the day. Easy enough.

Day 3: What’s this? A Sneakers Badge? Well, isn’t that nice. Thanks for the step acknowledgement, Fitbit. I did do a good job walking. Positive reinforcement FTW.

Day 4: It seems that the stairs are the secret to Fitbit success. They are like the Trifecta of Steps because I get step credit, distance credit, and stairs credit. More stairs it is!

Day 5: I think I will only go down the stairs for now.

Day 7: One full week of Fitbit wearing completed. Oh look, I can see how many steps my friends got this week. Let’s see where I rank among all my fellow Fitbit wearers, shall I? Seven out of 10? How in the hell does David have 121,000 steps? Last time I checked he was working in advertising, and I know that those guys just sit around and drink at the post-production sites. Would it be weird to message him to see what he’s doing all day? Yes, but I’m going to do it anyway.

Day 8: Looks like I need to up my step game. I’m coming for you, David.

Day 10: Ah yes, the Urban Boot badge. 15,000 steps in one day. I’m ranked #4 on the leaderboard now. I’ve overtaken Shannon, but just barely. I should probably take the dog out for another walk, just to make sure Shannon stays at a distant #5.

Day 12: Welp, it’s 11 o’clock at night and I’m at 13,112 steps. Better walk another 900 to make it an even 14,000.

Day 14: DAMMIT. I forgot to put on the Fitbit. Today is a total waste. I shouldn’t have even gotten out of bed at all. Wasted steps. All of them. What good is walking if I’m not going to get acknowledgement for doing so? I’m just going to leave Shannon a quick message that says I did walk today so she knows that I’m not just sitting around.

Day 15: Looks like Shannon took that opportunity to get in an extra 7,000 steps yesterday. Girl needs to get off the treadmill.

Day 16: Notification from Fitbit: Jack B just passed you by 241 steps. Is that so, Jack B? You must be feeling pretty good about yourself right about now. Hold on, wait a minute, let me just go ahead and turn on my Bluetooth and sync up Ol’ Fitty here, since I haven’t synced since last night. BAM-O-LA! Julie W has just passed you by 5,063 steps. I AM THE GREATEST!

Day 18: YES! I only had to walk 9 miles every day for the last few days, but I’ve finally overtaken David for the #1 spot on the leaderboard. More importantly, Shannon is at a distant #3. My life has meaning now, and I will do whatever it takes to maintain this position.

Day 19: Period. I’m not moving today and everyone can go to hell.

Day 20: I think I can be OK with being a consistent #2, snuggled nicely between Mad Man David and Cardio Shannon. They are admirable competitors, and I think I’ll be proud to just hang with them in the Top 3.

Day 22: You know, it’s totally unfair that if I run 5 miles, I only get 10,000 steps, but if I walk 5 miles, I get something like 12,000 steps. I think there should be a step-credit for people who are obviously engaged in heightened activity for a prolonged period of time. Like, Congratulations, Fitbit user, you’ve been actively active for 47 minutes. Here’s an extra 700 steps! Keep up the good work!

Day 24: I am literally walking in place while the dog takes a shit in a crowded parking lot.

Day 25: Notification from Fitbit: Congratulations, you’ve walked the distance of the London Underground. I’m not sure I even care anymore.

Day 26: Do you think that anyone would ever make a Lifetime movie about one young woman’s obsession with getting her daily steps and the lengths she would go to maintain her #1 position on the leaderboard? It could be called something dramatic like, “One Step Too Many,” or “10,000 Steps to Life: One Woman’s Journey.” I’ve been on this treadmill for 45 minutes. How am I only at 7567 steps? There must be more to life than this.

Day 29: Why do I continue to do this? Is it the competition? Is it the fleeting satisfaction I get when all the little bits of data on the dashboard change from orange to Victory Green? How many steps does a person need to take before they feel like they’ve accomplished something, only to have their accomplishments erased in the next 7-day cycle? 10,000? 20,000? Must I walk the length of the Serengeti (500 miles), Italy (736 miles), or New Zealand (990 miles) to feel good about myself? I am an educated woman with real life goals, for fuck’s sake! This is absurdity! Maybe it’s time to take off the Fitbit and get back to a normal, pedometer-free life.

Day 30: …or maybe I should get the Fitbit bracelet with the heart rate monitor?

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About Julie Walthers

Julie Walthers is an English teacher by day and copyeditor by night (and by weekend and by summer vacation). When not trying to explain homonyms and thesis statements to high school students, she can be found attempting to maintain her Top 3 position on the Fitbit leaderboard, or on the couch watching Netflix and questioning her life choices. Follow her at Ghost Editorial and on Facebook.