Marriage + kids means sexy time change. A bit. But she can still rock her cat pajamas while I make buttered noodles. We still got it.
Humor Parenting Sex and Relationships

It’s Sexy Time, Girl

Marriage + kids means sexy time change. A bit. But she can still rock her cat pajamas while I make buttered noodles. We still got it.

By Colin Bennett of Holy Sh*t I’m A Dad

Aw yeah, girl, it’s going down tonight.

You’ve had a hard day at work, and I’m gonna treat you right. I got everything ready for you – I put all the old coffee mugs in the sink, I put the trash cans on the curb, and I stacked the old magazines and bills on the coffee table just so. Just the way you like it.

Now that I put the baby to bed, it’s time to get down. When you walk in the door, I’m going to be in that outfit you like. The gym shorts with the loose elastic, so you can see my butt crack a little when I walk away. I know you love it when I tease you, girl. And I’ll wear that shirt – the one I caught at a Brewers game in 2006, so you can see it clinging to all my curves.

I made dinner for two. Those buttered noodles from the other day are waiting for you, just how you like it: microwaved for one minute and thirty seconds. We can eat it at the table, or sitting on the couch. We got the whole house to ourselves tonight. Except for the bedroom; the baby’s sleeping. But the other 4/5 of the house is just for lovin’.

Why don’t you put on something more comfortable? I pulled out a special outfit for you – those pink pajamas with the cats on them. No, not those ones – the other pink cat pajamas. The ones that get my motor runnin’. You know what I’m talking about, girl.

I know what you’re thinking – but don’t you worry, babe. The night’s just getting started. Let’s move to the couch. I’m going to handle everything. I got your breast pump all ready to go – you don’t have to worry about a thing when I’m control. I’m going to take care of you.

After we get that out of the way – hold on, I just have to rock the baby back to sleep. Ok – he’s fine. Now where was I? Awww yeah, that’s right – I was right in the middle of rocking your world.

Get over here, girl. There’s plenty of room next to me. Let me put my arm around you, because I left the remote on the back of the couch. I’m about to set the mood. House Hunters International is just starting. They’re going to Paris tonight. The City of Love.

How about I give you what you’ve been waiting for all night? It’s time for dessert. Mmm, baby, you know I got those Double Stuft Oreos for you. I’m gonna give you all you can handle. And I bought the 2% milk – because you’re worth it, girl.

Now just lie back – let me take these big, strong arms and wrap you up in that fuzzy blanket you like while I move to the love seat. And when the clock strikes 10 PM, and you feel like getting some sleep, you know I’m gonna let you get it, girl.

All. Night. Long.

This post was originally published on Holy Sh*t I’m A Dad.


About the Author

Colin Bennett is a 30 year-old freelance writer and stay-at-home dad. He also dabbles in poetry, fiction, and podcast hosting. He lives in Milwaukee, Wisconsin with a wife who’s out of his league and a 9 month-old boy. He writes a blog about fatherhood – Holy Sh*t I’m A Dad – you can read at