It’s the end of school season. A time of school plays and concerts. Graduations and award ceremonies. Appreciation lunches and special class snacks. Field trips and track and field events. A time when about a gazillion activities and special memory-making moments are crammed into the final hours, minutes and seconds of the school year. For writer and mom of two, Susanne Kerns, it was also a time of contributing to her son’s grade 2 “End of School Treasure Box.”
Her contribution? 28 Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys. Er, make that 27. Because one little squishy? It was not like the others.
Kerns did what all parents do when it’s the weekend and their kids inform them they NEED to have something for school by Monday morning: she turned to Amazon. She chose the “Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys Squeeze Random Animals Stress Toy,” described on Amazon’s website as:
Packing Included: 30 pieces mini animal mochi squishies in total; individually wrapped and comes in random.”
Note that it specifically states “animal.”
True to Amazon Prime’s delivery promise, they arrived at her door on Sunday evening at 6 pm.
In a hilarious Amazon product review that she also posted to her Facebook page, Kerns relays her experience, from ignoring her niggling suspicions about the validity of the other reviews…
Dear Amazon –
I recently purchased your MSSTSRASTKSbS30P (aka Mochi Squishy Animal Stress Toys) for my son’s 2nd Grade “End of School” Treasure Box
As always, I relied purely on all of your completely legitimate product reviews to make my final purchase decision. Sure, I was a little suspicious that all of the reviews were 5 stars, in broken English, and submitted within the past month, but I was sold by Sunny’s critique about being “worried that the smell would be too heavy” but discovering that her “worry were superfluous” after receiving them.
If they pass Sunny’s sniff test, then that’s good enough for me!
…to discovering that one of the Squishies just didn’t belong.
I ripped open the package to show my 12 and 8 year old, who have enjoyed a wide variety of your Squishies.
“Now guys, these are going to the class treasure box, but you can each choose ONE to keep!” We sorted through the 30 pieces as the kids’ “AWWWWWWs” became progressively louder and more full of adorableness.
“AW – This one’s a cute kitty!”
“AWWW – Look at this panda bear!”
“AWWWWWWW – It’s a little piggy!
And then there was a pause…..”What animal is this, mommy?”
“Hmmmmm….I *believe* that the A in MSSTSRASTKSbS30P stands for ANIMAL, but kids, I’m pretty sure that THAT is a P, as in penis.”
Yup. A penis. A slo-rise squishy penis. A penis, which she later confirmed in an update on her Facebook post, that was, in fact, a penis (and not a squid, as some people have stated).
**UPDATE** I have confirmation of what we all already knew….this thing is definitely a penis. The woman who confirmed it even has a FB group with almost 7,000 members called “THE ADVENTURES OF DINGDING” which solidifies my plans to put a Lego hat on mine and give it a name.
While her 8-year-old son requested to keep said penis, which “even FEELS like a penis!” Kerns had other plans.
“No, you can’t keep it, that’s not appropriate. Instead mommy’s going to put it here on her desk next to her Christmas Story Leg Lamp. And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, with the threat of losing your Nintendo Switch for the entire summer, will you inform everyone at your class store who buys a MSSTSRASTKSbS30P with their hard earned credits that you have a squishy at home that looks and feels just like a penis.”
In case you’re wondering, she gave the product a 5-star rating, writing:
Material-wise, they are dreamily squishy, like little magical marshmallows that will undoubtedly result in an emergency vet visit when my dog eats one. In related news, they attract pet fur like a mo-fo. They do clean up easily, unless it’s the penis one, which makes you feel like a dirty old lady when you soap it up, so it will forever remain sticky with filth, in more ways than one.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ or, more appropriately, 🍆🍆
But the story doesn’t end there.
In an updated blog post, in which Kerns drops her rating to 4-stars, she informs her readers that “Mr. Penis” has been the victim of a series of unfortunate events.
Once it was confirmed by several hundred people that one of the MSSTSRASTKSbS30Ps I ordered was definitely not an Animal, and was, in fact, a Penis, it started to generate some tension in our household.
While it’s socially acceptable to keep a potential naked mole rat or questionable squid on your kitchen counter, people are less welcoming of a tiny, albeit cute, penis sitting (and he can sit, because for some reason he has a butt,) next to the fruit bowl. (And by people I’m specifically referring to two people: my husband who is deeply troubled by the sight of our 12 year old daughter booping it on the head every time she goes into the kitchen for a snack and my 8 year old son who keeps lecturing me that, “I think you should throw that inappropriate thing away.”)
Kerns decided to remove Mr. Penis from his newly hostile environment and took him with her to a school sex-ed presentation. Upon arriving at her destination, Kerns decided to leave him in the car. When she returned, she discovered that he had become “Mr.Cyclops Penis,” having lost one of his eyes.
In her new review she states:
Apparently Mr. Penis’s eyes are actually little, tiny stickers that are only made to last through two days of minimal use, which seems like a poor manufacturing decision for something that is marketed as a “stress release squeeze toy.”
She goes on to say:
Starting tomorrow, twenty-four second graders are going to be spending their hard earned class credits on the squishies I donated, which may or may not be in the shape of human genitalia. For the sake of teachers across the land, you better hope that all of those eyes stay firmly in place until the last day of school, because no teacher has time to fashion tiny eye patches for 29 squishies the last week of school.
New rating: 🍆🍆🍆🍆👁
Here’s hoping, teachers.