You know what I wish I had? Bigger areola. I’m talking jumbo-sized saucer nips, attached to my jugs like pink beanbags.
Just kidding, y’all. That’s ridiculous. No one in the world would want to plump up their nipples, except, holy shit, yes they do because it’s happening. People are injecting Restylane into their areola. The procedure isn’t even approved by the FDA, but apparently some ladies are so dissatisfied with the texture of their teets that they have gone rogue.
How does Restylane work? It works by injecting hyaluronic acid into subdermal tissues and lasts about 6 months. The procedure is most commonly used for filling wrinkles and plumping pouts and can be seen in the slightly skyward trajectory of every upper lip in California. Injecting Restylane into the nipples is said to make them project more. The average price of treatment is $750.
Ladies, stop. Staaaaahhp. You know what you could buy with $750?
A wedding dress.
A designer handbag.
An apple at Whole Foods.
Point is, there are plenty more worthwhile things to purchase than a taut teet. I can only assume if you’re getting boobtox (see what I did there?), you are a privileged rich bitch who makes a sport out of self breast exams.
If that’s you, I have a few questions:
What happens when you get cold? Will they morph into some sort of weird, funnel shape a la Madonna circa 1990? Or will it be more like the meat thermometer we use on Thanksgiving that pops out when the turkey’s done?
Whose nips are getting so much attention that they need plumping?
Also, mine are, ahem, larger than they used to be before kids, and if I inject them, are they going to distend like puffer fish?
Not to mention, that’s an extremely sensitive area, so what kind of transcendental meditation do you have to do to let a needle near it?
Is there a Groupon I can use? Buy one get one free?
I guess what disturbs me most about this whole thing is that it is just another way for women to be dissatisfied with their bodies. Men get off scot free with a “dad bod” and a bald spot; meanwhile, women have to imbue every square inch of ourselves with a magical potion just to feel okay.
Here’s a non-exhaustive list of female beauty requirements in 2018:
-A contoured nose
-Highlighted cheekbones
-Silky hair with a splash of fun color, like magenta or violet
-False eyelashes
-An even skin tone (Don’t you try to have freckles in 2018. Don’t. You. Even. Try.)
-Puffy lips that keep color for 18 hours at a time
-A tiny waist
-Perky boobs
-A shapely bum
-The right clothes, accessories, and shoes
-Threaded eybrows
-Botoxed foreheads
-And now, barbed nipples, apparently
Who are we doing this for, anyway? Because I’m pretty sure no man alive ever rejected a woman for having flat nipples.
Ladies, if you are thinking about having the procedure done, might I suggest a cheaper option? It’s called “clothes.” That’s right, you can just put a bra and blouse on and voila: no one would know you have less-than-spikey nipples. Problem solved. Or if you MUST show off a nipple that looks like it can cut glass, maybe try putting a Hershey’s Kiss in your shirt. If it melts, hey, you get chocolate. It’s a win-win, really.