Ask any parent and they will tell you potty training is no walk in the park. Oh sure, sometimes there’s that one. You know the child. The one who casually decides at 18 months, “Down With Diapers!” and proceeds to go on the toilet forevermore. This story is not about that child.
My firstborn? She was a dream to train. Which, we all know, means impending doom for all subsequent children. When my twin boys came along, the Universe laughed maniacally and said, “Let’s have some fun, shall we?”
And so began my descent into potty training hell. Because my boys? Literally Did.Not.Give.A.Shit. They would happily poop their Batman underoos and sit in their own crap rather than stop playing for the mere two minutes it would take to go to the bathroom. So trust me when I say, I’ve witnessed the dark side of ditching diapers and it nearly broke me.
But this mom’s story takes the nightmare of potty training to an entirely new circle of hell, and all I can say through my tears of laughter is, “Thank god it didn’t happen to me.”
Andrea Mangum Chapman begins her now viral Facebook post with the words:
For those in need of some parenting schadenfreude, here is my gift to you: Our dear three year old child, who is sweet and cunning and adorable and obviously under the influence of Satan, is in the process of potty training.
Yup, that whole thing about two-year-olds being the worst? It’s one big fat lie. They have nothing on three-year-olds. Sure, they’re fun and loving and cuddly. Do not be fooled. They’re also Tasmanian Devils who revel in wreaking havoc in the most unpredictable and horrifying ways. It would seem that on this particular day, Andrea’s 3T decided to shake some shit up on the sly.
Today when we were diligently leaving our children to their own devices, the littlest spawn felt the urge to poop.
Thus begins the descent into Hell…
For reasons yet unknown he stopped the dryer which was full of freshly washed and nearly dried clothes, and pulled out a few crisp garments.
At which point you may be clinging hopefully to the thought, “Awwwww, maybe the sweet little guy is going to do some laundry.” HA! NOPE.
On the clothes.
But the shitshow does not end here, people. It gets better. Well, worse really. SO.MUCH.WORSE.
That sweet little potty-training toddler? Decides to clean up his mess. By putting the clothes back into the dryer. And turning it on. Bless him. Andrea hilariously writes:
Then, in fulfillment of the evil deeds which were no doubt whispered into his ear by the Lord of Darkness, he put those clothes along with the turds he had released upon them back into the dryer. And pressed “tumble”.
Andrea then shares the final results of her son’s dastardly doody deed, and it’s about as bad as you could imagine:
By the time this disaster was intercepted, each item in the dryer bore the territorial mark of l’enfant terrible and the drum of the dryer was fully coated in his warmed waste.
I’m sending this mama a virtual hug right now. Along with a case of wine. She’s going to need it. As for how to clean melted-on poop from the clothes and fumigate the feces from her dryer? I have nothing. It may just be easier to burn it all to the ground and start over.
The moral of this story? Pooping in the toilet is NOT an innate skill. Also? Three-year-olds are diabolical and prone to bouts of temporary insanity; don’t even try to understand them. You may, however, want to get a lock for the laundry room. Now.